Sunday, July 26, 2009

Through the Camera Lense

I haven't been very faithful to this blog lately, but those of you who follow it know why. It has been a long year and I sometimes have to will myself to face the day.

This has been a year marked by losses. I lost a job I loved right after receiving a series of excellent performance evaluations. When unemployment began to run out, I took a very low paying job and soon afterward, everyone had their hours reduced. My part-time job was cut to a couple of hours on Saturday. My savings were gone. Then came a greater loss. My ex-husband who had eventually become a sort of friend, was diagnosed with cancer and liver disease. He died within 3 months. A dear friend had his cancer return. He also died. I was so afraid to say, "God, what next?"

I was digging through a drawer and found my camera. I haven't used it in awhile and eagerly turned it on to see some of the pictures stored there.

There were pictures of the vacation my son and I took last year. We stayed at the lodge at Natchez Trace State Park. That was just before I was laid off. It was the last happy memory I have.

Next was my nieces wedding. It was a beautiful ceremony. I was still feeling hopeful and saw my job loss as a minor setback.

I have some photos of my family reunion. The reunions are usually pleasant, but this year I was embarrassed whenever family asked what I was doing with myself these days. I was unemployed and didn't know how I would make ends meet. Though they would never think ill of me, I still felt like a failure.

Then the photographs became more bittersweet. Winter came and the first snow. I took pictures of our dogs, who sadly begged to come back into the house till the snow melted. I inteviewed for a job that day. I was so hopeful, but the job was merely one in a series of rejections.

Then there were the Christmas pictures. They would be the last photographs I would ever take of my ex-husband and my son.

A new school year is about to begin and I have been offered a teaching job at a small school in the area. It is a chance to build my career again. I have grown an affection for the children at my daycare center, but I know the teaching job is best for me, not just financially.

I have learned some things from this experience and those things will show themselves in future writing that I do.

There is a lot of memory in my camera. I have believed, for many years now, that 2010 would be a special year for me. I look forward to it with great anticipation. I want to post some happier photos. I want to be more faithful to my readers, too.