Christmas Gifts

Okay. We always preach that Christmas isn't about the gifts. I get that--I think.

I am unemployed this year. I have always had a job. Sometimes I went without working when my son was young, but as soon as he was old enough for school I took part-time jobs. I like having my own money and I like buying for others. That's what made this Christmas hard. I couldn't buy gifts like I wanted. I just didn't have the money. Even buying little token gifts seemed impractical. I decided to dust off a store credit card and buy some gift certificates. That way family could use the cards the way they wanted. The certificates were considerably less that I would have wanted, but it was something. I could save some of my dignity. I put the gift cards in a white envelope safely in a drawer with a couple of presents for my son and dogie treats for our two pets, my Christmas cards and bows. I knew, however tempted I was, I could shop no more, not unless I found a dream job.

Late Christmas Eve I finished my baking, cleaned the kitchen, wrapped a couple of gift, bagged the dogie treats and put them under the Christmas tree. Then I went back upstairs to my room to take the gift cards and put them in envelopes to give to family at a gathering the next day.

I searched through the drawer, horrified! The white envelope was gone! How could it be? I thought I had been so careful.

I mentally went though the steps I had taken, tried to recall each time I had opened that drawer. Could the envelope have fallen from the drawer when I took out my Christmas cards? What if that envelope got mixed with the envelopes I had thrown away after addressing my cards? What if was stuck to some ribbon when I wrapped gifts and was thrown away? Every scenario ended with the gift cards being thrown away.

I prayed a frantic prayer that I would find the cards and instantly the thought came to mind that Christmas wasn't supposed to be about gifts anyway. I knew this, but the gifts weren't for me. Then I thought about the people who had miserable Christmases because they were worried that they couldn't buy gifts for others.

That's ego. I thought.

This last part of this year had been so bad for me that I was surprised that I had any ego at all. I lost a job that I loved and had been turned for other jobs countless times. Yes, having a gift in hand, however small, was probably an ego thing for me.

I kept praying and looking for the cards for 3 exhausting hours. Christmas is about Jesus, I thought as I listened to carols on the TV and dumped the contents of yet another drawer onto my bed.

At 2:30 I decided that I needed some rest. Maybe I would remember something when I awoke the next morning.

At 6:00 a.m. I awoke and began to search the garbage cans to see if I could find my lost presents. I asked God to help me understand what He might be trying to teach me through all of this. I also told Him how vulnerable I felt, being without a job, like I was useless and unable to support myself. I fought back terrible, unproductive feelings.

Again and again I reminded myself that the lost cards could not keep me from celebrating Christmas and I began to make a casserole for my son and his father--my ex-husband. We almost always celebrate Christmas together since that means we both get to spend the day with Adam.

Even though I tried to hide my disappointment, they were both aware that I was upset. Adam was sure his present would cheer me up and insisted we open gifts.

Then a got a phone call from a cousin who wanted to wish me a Merry Christmas. She was about to go visit her daughters. I told her about going to visit my family empty handed and she said that she was about to do the same. Her hours at work had been cut and there was no Christmas bonus. She feared that she may not have a job at all.

"My daughters will just have to love me for who I am and we will all have to be happy with each other's company this year," she said. There was wisdom in her words.

"Yes, I know what you mean." I was beginning to feel a little better.

My son finally could stand it no longer. "Let's open gifts!"

I said good-bye to my cousin and Adam and I headed downstairs. That was when I saw the gift bag with dogie treats under the tree. Why I walked to the bag, I don't know for sure. I looked inside the bag and saw it, a white envelope, barely sticking above the chew sticks.

I fell backward, onto the couch and began to wipe the tears from my eyes. "You found it," Adam his dad said at the same time. I nodded, still unable to speak.

It is easy to see how selfishness can ruin the spirit of Christmas. I never stopped to think how giving gifts or becoming upset about not finding the right gift could be just as destructive.

Reminiscing over past Christmases we remembered activities with family or friends. We remember charitable acts we perform. We gather for special Christmas Eve services or gather with popcorn to watch It's A Wonderful Life or A Christmas Carol. We really don't remember who did or who didn't buy us a gift--and if we do, we need to be reminded why we celebrate Christmas. It isn't about spending money to help our economy--or our ego--it is about the birth of the Christ child. It's about the world getting an advocate--a Savior.