Toni's Place

A WRITER'S ROLLER COASTER

2012-01-17T20:51:00.000-08:00

Well, I took the big step.

Yesterday, on MLK day, I sent off my manuscript to a publishing company. This is the 3rd time to send, Second Chances, to this editor. There were specific changes she wanted me to make before considering it for publication. I quickly realized the changes greatly improved the story.

Second Chances is about 5 years in the making. That is 5 years of writing, sending to publishers, rewriting, sending to other publishers, setting the story aside, then rewriting again. Most of that time I have been working at a "day job," too.

Now, I wait--and pray.

CHECKING IN--WORKING ON MY BOOK

2012-01-15T13:41:00.000-08:00

I am just checking in today. I have been editing a manuscript and really have not had the time to post on my blog since New Years.

The holidays came and went--and I continued to work on creating this baby of mine, the first in a series of three books. It is a story about a mother's search for her missing teen, a detective who might be able to help her, and the single clue--a boy who claims to have seen a U.F.O.

So are you interested, yet?

One of my resolutions--to find a publisher for this novel. With a wish and a prayer, and a lot of work, it'll happen.

DEALING WITH GRINCHES

2011-12-21T19:20:00.000-08:00

I was a child the first time the classic How The Grinch Stole Christmas appeared on American TV. We all know the Dr. Seuss tale about the green Grinch who couldn't stand it when the Whos celebrate Christmas. He wished to destroy the entire holiday; trees, songs, gift giving, and the feast. The idea of someone trying to destroy a holiday that extolls the virtues of peace, love, and giving seemed completely ludicrous to the child I was.

--But perhaps the forward thinking Dr. Seuss was secretly a friend of a time traveling Doctor. --Or maybe he simply realized where the tides of political correctness (though that was not what it was called) would lead. He realized that an innocent holiday, a way of life, was under attack.

American Atheists was the movement catching the media's attention then, just as Freedom From Religion does today. Like the unsuspecting Whos of the Dr. Seuss story, the Christians slept while atheist groups attempted to restrict their cultural celebrations and rewrite their history.

Most American Christians trusted that capitalism would make sure that Christmas would always exist. As long as it had commercial value, Christmas would be encouraged. The unexpected twist to this is the inclusion movement. Christmas is now a part of a series of winter holidays. The Christmas tree is now a holiday tree. Christmas shopping is called holiday shopping. Carols--what a joke. Last week a public school was in legal hot water over the singing of Silent Night. Just as the Grinch removed the giant Christmas tree from the center of Whoville, The Freedom From Religion (and similar haters) snatch the nativity scenes from town squares.

Seuss' story has a happy ending when the Grinch repents from his hateful ways. He sees that the Whos don't need the outward symbols. What they have is deep within each of them.

Yes, we are under attack. There are angry people who want to strip from Christians all signs of their cultural heritage. We mustn't sleep as the Grinch steals Christmas from us. At the same time, we must remember that what we have is far more than plaster statues and wooden crosses. It is something that is real and dwelles within us.

That, no one can steal.

THANKSGIVING 2011

2011-11-24T08:25:00.000-08:00

As Americans enter the holiday season, there is a mixture of joy and sadness. Why? Holidays, particularly Thanksgiving and Christmas, evoke nostalgia. 1) We think of past holidays and recall unsatisfying experiences or 2)we mourn who or what we have lost. I have known and still know people stuck in this cycle, like an old fashioned record stuck in a groove, they yearly relive a sad childhood experience or mourn the family member no longer with them, rather than reflect on the joy that could be found in the present.

I am nostalgic about Thanksgiving. Yes, there are some really unhappy holidays in my past, but even in these times I managed to focus on the reasons for the holiday celebrations. Thanksgiving is about focusing on what God has provided. Christmas is about the birth of Jesus. That helped me push my own hurts and disappointments aside. Sometimes going through the motions is what you need to do to get to a better place in your life.

This week I heard a news report that said that people with a thankful, grateful spirit are both more physically and mentally healthy than those who are ungrateful. No doubt they are happier.

This Thanksgiving Holiday let us have a thankful heart. Laugh about the burned marshmallows on the yams. Joke about the jiggling cranberry sauce. Scarf down the dry stuffing and lumpy gravy, but remember to enjoy the moment.

WHAT WOULD BE PRINTED ON OUR BACKS?

2011-11-05T18:42:00.000-07:00

A short time ago, I was driving along the highway and saw a group of people wearing bright orange vests, collecting trash along the highway. As I approached, I noticed the trash collectors all had their backs to the passing motorists, clearly trying not to be identified. On the back of each vest, in bold black print, were the words: I DRINK AND DRIVE. These people were all working off their crimes. They thought the crimes would be secret, but they were exposed in the light of an autumn morning.

To me, there was something powerful about this sight; people getting the chance to work off their debts and looking to tomorrow with clean slates. Since making amends is part of many 12 step programs, I wondered why it isn't a condition of other non-violent offences.

--But the vests conjured up the memory of Hawthorn's, THE SCARLET LETTER, where people wore the initial of their sins upon the breast of their clothing.

Then I wondered about myself and harm I may have inflicted upon others. What would be embroidered upon my lapel? What would be emblazoned upon the back of my vest? Would the crime be something I could work off or had the harm I had caused be far to deep? Are my sins those of omission or commission?

It is confusing sometimes, trying to make it through this life. After all, there are no real victimless crimes.

FIND SOMETHING TO CELEBRATE

2011-10-31T04:48:00.000-07:00

It occurred to me, as I sat in my Sunday school class, that each person in that room had been hit with some sort of serious hardship. Some were mourning the death or separation of loved ones. Others are unemployed or underemployed. Some fear losing their homes.

That is why I was so delighted to see my friends laughing and playing with the children at a Fall carnival yesterday evening. Children, dressed in warm costumes, had a chance to play in bouncy castles, eat popcorn, play carnival games, and get lots of candy. Laughter filled the air.

We needed to hear laughter. We needed to laugh. We need to keep laughing.

A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine . . . Proverbs 17:23.

JUST ANOTHER TUESDAY/ MY TRAVELS THROUGH MEMPHIS

2011-10-28T12:06:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had one of those days? Sure, we all have. After sharing snip-its of my Tuesday adventure on Facebook, I thought I would give a few more details on my blog.

Well, Tuesday morning started like most. I got up and looked for a substitute teaching job on my computer. Unfortunately, there were no jobs available, so I thought I would attend a job training program in Memphis. Maybe I could pick up some Saturday work to go along with my regular job.

Because I had just gotten my car back from the mechanic, I was a little concerned about driving along the interstate. I did have things to do, so I went against my best instincts and headed into the big city.

The car drove without any hesitations along I-40 and I traveled downtown, into Memphis. That was when it happened. The car stalled at the intersection of Bellevue and Poplar. When I went to restart the car, nothing happened except a simple click.

After a moment a kind, African-American woman stopped and tried to help me jump start the car. Since I had a new battery, I didn't think that was the problem. The car would not start.

Two men volunteered to push the Saturn into the parking lot of The Dental Connection, on 1195 Poplar Ave., in Memphis. When the car was finally parked, both men began to aggressively demand money. Frightened, I gave them a few dollars cash and locked the car doors until they went away. I called for help and waited.

In time my brother arrived and we tried again to jump start the car, but there was only the clicking noise. I went into The Dental Connection to tell the owner that I would be making arrangements for a tow. The heavy set woman was extremely upset that my car was in the parking lot and insisted that I move it instantly, handing me a phone book and telling me to have it towed immediately.

I tried to explain that I have roadside service and had to work out the details to find out which tow service to call and which mechanic to use. This woman wanted to hear no excuses. She wanted the car moved or would make arrangements to have it moved. I asked her to give me a little time. She said that I had till 6:00 pm. It was all ready 3:00.

Eventually the car was moved. As if to completely mock me, the mechanic was able to instantly start the engine. It seems that the starter was warn out, only working sometimes.

That evening I decided to try to lose myself in a chef salad and mindless TV. As I sat curled in my bed watching a show, I looked at my bedside table and my loyal dog was snatching croutons and chunks of cheese off of my salad. Even Man's Best Friend turned against me.

CELEBRATIONS

2011-10-23T12:36:00.000-07:00

Last night, as I drove through the back roads, enjoying the scenic trip to a friend's house, I thought about how autumn signals a lengthy time of celebration. As the weather turns cooler in Tennessee, towns have their street fairs that usually showcase art, folk art, and crafts. Block parties and tailgate parties are also commonplace.

Next comes the Fall Festivals, Harvest Parties, and of course, Halloween. Both children and adults get to act silly and participate in fantasy.

Thanksgiving is a more subdued holiday, but still, it is so much fun. I love the bright decorations, usually made with colorful leaves and foods. What about trying new recipes and gathering with loved ones? Even when I gather with not-so-loved ones I have a good time. And yes, I can't help but be thankful.

Christmas and New Years are no-brainers. We know they are the ultimate in celebratory times.

So what is the point?

I have met people, often religious people, who just seemed dead set against having fun. I can't imagine why. It's as if they were too happy, God might take away their blessings.

As I search the scriptures, I see the opposite.

Ecclesiastes 2:24 (NKJV),

Nothing is better for a man than that he should eat and drink, and that his soul should enjoy good in his labor. This also, I saw, was from the hand of God.

Yes, we should work hard, but we should also have time to enjoy life, too. As I enjoyed times with friends at a harvest party, I remembered this verse from Proverbs 17: 23,

A merry heart doeth good like a medicine . . .

Yes, celebrating with friends & loved ones is a very good thing and a gift from God.

LIVING ON FAITH

2011-10-15T18:15:00.000-07:00

I have been at my new job for 4 full weeks now and I like it, very much. I am a substitute teacher, now. That means that each day I am at a new location with a new group of children. I never know what I am going to teach, either.

I find that this job is really going to stretch my faith. You see, there is no guarantee that I will have a job on any given day. With so many teacher layoffs, there is a lot of competition for sub work. I get up every morning and check my computer for a job for the day--almost like an act of faith. The job may be there or it may not. I keep checking. It was pretty hard to find the jobs at first, but am getting better.

As I said, this is really stretching my faith. I have to believe that there is a reason I do or do not get the work. Maybe there is something else I need to be doing on my "off" days. I find myself really focusing on how I spend my time, lately. I hope the focus pays off.

Anyway, I find I am grateful for the work that comes my way. I am happy to go to my job and maybe that will eventually pay off with increased work. I hope so.

Learning to live by faith sometimes takes a lifetime to learn.

CHANGES--PART 2

2011-09-26T07:20:00.000-07:00

About a year ago I posted that I felt that changes were coming to my life. Little did I know that the changes would be so very dramatic and would test me and my beliefs--to my core.

As I have shared previously, I have had a real roller coaster ride. I worked at a job that decided not to honor the contract to which we had both agreed; slashing pay, benefits, and requiring me to work extra hours for which I received no pay. There was no negotiation to this agreement. In fact, I was brought before the rest of the staff for a period of public humiliation when I expressed displeasure at the changes.

Those last few months I was made to feel as if I were on Survivor Island and that deception surrounded me. There were alliances surrounding me and I realized that as people struggled for leadership, no one could be trusted. This was unexpected in what was supposed to be a Christian environment. I hope the children were unaware of what was going on with the adults.

In the end I moved on. However, I found that I didn't qualify for unemployment benefits and my car died!

--But changes kept coming! That was fortunate.

I have a friend who knows a mechanic who is giving new life to my car. I now have a new job that I really enjoy. Life is good again and I am reminded of this scripture:

As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result . . . Genesis 50:20 English Standard Version

Now, if I could get this writing thing going, I would have a perfect life.

9-11

2011-09-10T15:26:00.000-07:00

What can I say about this day that hasn't all ready been said? 9-11-01 is a day that is marked in U.S.A. history that may only be equaled to 12-7-41, Pearl Harbor Day. I remember watching the news day after day, praying that people would be found alive in the rubble of the Twin Towers. I was appalled to see the damaged Pentagon. I wept over the courageous passenger of flight 93. I wept and wept and wept.

Eventually, all the tears were gone. It was time to live again.

Ten years have come and gone. I have watched documentaries reliving the event and again I find myself weeping.

Tomorrow is 9-11. I will pay my respects. I will have a moment of silence. Then I will live again.

There are people out there full of hate. They never want us to get over 9-11. To love our country and to have joy in our lives would be our best revenge.

CHRISTIAN BUSINESSES? part 2

2011-09-05T14:07:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking a lot about what makes a business a "Christian Business." Why? I have worked as a teacher in both public and private, Christian schools.

Here is what I liked about working in Christian schools (listed in no particular order) :

1. Children and staff were held to a certain moral standard and this standard kept behavior problems to a minimum. This maximized the learning environment.
2. Christian issues could be openly discussed. Discussions were often encouraged.
3. Honestly, rather than political correctness was encouraged.
4. As a teacher, I had a greater freedom with my curriculum.

Here is what I disliked about teaching in a private school (in no particular order):

1. Not everyone (student or staff) has to follow the same rules. What applies to one person, may not apply to another.
2. Many Christian school refuse to follow the same worker related laws that govern public businesses, such as salary, compensation, and worker safety laws.
3. Religious rhetoric may be used against and employee who feels unfairly treated during his/her tenure.
4. Most required chapel programs are more geared toward adults than the children or teens that are in attendance.
5. Many teachers in Christian schools have little more than a high school diploma and few have even completed college teaching courses.

Naturally, I have not seen these dislikes at every Christian school at which I have taught. Many of my teaching experiences have been quite pleasant. However my last teaching job was at a school that was desperate to keep its doors opened. Desperate times called for desperate measures. Those in charge felt they must do almost anything to keep the ministry alive. That included breaking contracts with teachers, withholding promised benefits, and extending workdays. It meant being less than truthful to parents. These were things that, as a Christian, I found to be dishonest

If God wants a ministry to survive, He will bless it. If He is finished with the ministry and ready to move to a new ministry, He will let the first ministry die. To everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under heaven. Ecc. 3:1.

A Christian ministry should be more than rhetoric. It is about treating both customers and staff in a Godly way.

Perhaps there is no such thing as a Christian business. Maybe it is about Christians going about in the world, living Godly lives.

CHRISTIAN BUSINESSES?

2011-09-01T09:58:00.000-07:00

It has been a strange odyssey for me. I left a secular job as a teacher in order to work at a Christian school. There were multiple reason for wanting to do this, but one was about the desire to want to impact the lives of young people in a spiritual way.

The experience of working with Christian schools has affected me in ways that I didn't expect. It also has caused me to wonder this: What makes a business Christian?

Is it about the rhetoric that makes a business Christian? Is the business Christian because employees know Christian phrases and Christian symbols. I can't count the times that someone (usually an auto salesman) has handed me a business card with a fish symbol on it.

Is it a Christian business because the owner is a Christian? By that definition the convenience store on one end of the street might be Christian and the one on the other end might be Muslim, and so on.

Is a business Christian because it makes products generally used by Christians; Bibles, crosses, photos, stained glass? If so, where do we draw the line. Is the business that makes church pews a Christian business.

Is a business Christian because it caters to a certain group of people? I love Chick-fil-a and it does cater to Christians with its contemporary gospel music piped in the stores and its policy about being closed on Sunday. Does that, however, make it a Christian business?

I don't know. I would, however, like to hear what others have to say about what makes a business Christian. I think people need to know--especially if they are considering becoming involved in a Christian organization.

THE KINDNESS WE CAN DO

2011-08-01T22:05:00.000-07:00

Life comes in waves, it seems, and the economy has taken its toll on us all. Stress levels are high.

My grandmother used to say that misery loves company. I have seen evidence of this. During job searches, associates have deliberately withheld information that would have helped me obtain employment. I have watched coworkers set each other up for failure.

This all got me to thinking. In a time when life is so difficult for so many, shouldn’t we be trying all the more, to reach out to others, to cause healing, not more suffering?

I’m not saying that we can all become Mother Theresa, but couldn’t we do just one thing a day--or even a week--to help someone else? Check on a neighbor during this heat wave. Call a shut-in. Collect for the food bank. Give blood. It doesn’t have to be Nobel Prize worthy, just something to help make life worth living.

The day of my grandmother’s funeral, a policeman introduced himself to me. He said that growing up during the Great Depression, he and classmates used to practice baseball in my grandmother’s pasture. After the practice, my grandmother would always fix all the boys beans and cornbread for dinner.

Forty years later this man remembered the kindness shown during a time when people had little to share. The Bible tells of the blessing of sharing a simple drink of water.

Yea, it’s hard out there and few are immune. Maybe if I practice what I preach, I’ll get through this and be a better person, too.

WHY DO I WRITE?

2011-07-02T00:08:00.000-07:00

Recently, was sent an advanced copy of a story that I wrote for an international publication. The topic to which I was assigned was quite a challenge and the end story was somewhat emotional to me. I shared the final product with someone who asked, "Why did you write this?"

The question took me by surprise. The publication was a reputable one, and the pay was average for this kind of publication. I am always excited when my name is spelled correctly in the byline.

I'm not sure that is what this person was asking. I think she wanted to know why I write--period. That is more complicated. I have heard people say that the reason they write is the same reason they breath. I don't think the non-writer understands that.

I think it is the same thing that makes the chef work at a signature creation. It is what drives the painter to design a masterpiece. It is why the dancer pushes her body to exhaustion to perfect her number.

I used to think that writing a book would be a way that I could live on, but I realize that even books have a shelf-life, especially now with ebooks replacing hardcopies. No, literature doesn't live on like it once did.

The rejection is difficult. Just like any form of art, writing has its critics and even a kind letter from an editor is painful. Yet I still write.

Maybe it does some good. Maybe someone finds it entertaining. Maybe.

Would it be selfish if I write for me?

MUSIC TO GET ME GOING!

2011-06-04T17:33:00.000-07:00

During the time I was unable to get away for a work-out, I tried to establish a walking routine. I find walking a neighborhood, track, or treadmill tedious, at best. Walking without a destination is just boring!

I bought my first MP3 player to encourage me to walk more. I haven't found the time to download songs myself, but my son, Adam, decided to help. He transferred some tunes for me, music he felt had a beat that would encourage exercise.

Now my song selection includes Edgar Winter's--Frankenstein, The Who--Pinball Wizard, Tom Petty's--Refugee. Because we live in the south, he went with Lynard Skinnard's--Free Bird. Keep in mind he was trying to pick songs from MY youth. He wasn't even born when these songs were hits.

The result was a much more enjoyable work-out, whether it was simply walking a track, using weights, or a cardio program with the elliptical, nu-step, and bicycle. Time seems to move quicker and I think I work harder, especially when moving to a fast beat.

Sometimes you just need to find the proper motivation to help you get the job done. What are some of the things that motivate you to get the job done?

CHALLENGES

2011-05-31T20:00:00.000-07:00

I have been very neglectful of things these past three weeks, or so. Life sometimes becomes full of stuff that has to be done.

For about a week I felt tethered to my home due to the flooding Mississippi River. I don't live on the river, but on one of the tributaries. When the Mississippi rose above the flood stage, tributaries began flowing backwards--a sight that will cause the heart to race! Compounding this was the fact that many of the tributaries were all ready flooded from the same storm system that brought tornadoes through Alabama.

Mine is an old '70s style home and a sump pump keeps rising water out of crawl spaces and out of the house. This pump has to be constantly monitored during emergencies like this.

A week later I was hit with a new emergency--the serious illness of a family member. I was spending much of my after work time sitting with an ill relative. That can be stressful. Did I do the right thing? What if?

Then there was the end-of-the-school-year chores and the transition involved.

These challenges have kept me from two things that I truly enjoy, 1)writing--including blogging, and 2) working out at the Wellness Center. My body and spirit are both showing the neglect.

--But our challenges make us who we are. The flood waters have receded and my family photos are back on the mantle over the fireplace. The relative I sat with appears to be stronger. My students are enjoying their summer vacation and I am working at a day camp. In fact, I am writing this during nap time. Yah!

Perhaps the challenges have subsided--for awhile.

Please feel free to share a challenge you have faced and what, if any, benefits resulted.

I'M BACK!

2011-05-25T07:11:00.000-07:00

Between weather (the Memphis flooding) family, and personal issues, I have neglected my blog and am sorry. I will try to do better.

It is really apparent that weather has begun to impact many people in the U. S. Many people are trying to reach out to those who have lost so much, either through floods, or tornadoes. Even as I write this I am listening to a weather forecast that predicts more tornadoes this afternoon. I have been inspired by the ways that people have stepped up to help others in need. Some have volunteered to help the Red Cross. Others have put together supplies to take to areas in need.

If you are involved in a group that is helping those impacted by weather issues, please share your experience. If you know of a group that needs help, share that, too.

Evacuating--What Would You Take?

2011-05-03T19:45:00.000-07:00

I have been wanting to make my blog more interactive, like a conversation. This week I have had little time to spend blogging. Let me explain why.

All along the Mississippi River there is massive flooding. My home is located along a river that feeds into the Mississippi. Because of a week of tornado producing storms, the river near my home had already left its banks.

I have little space upstairs and perhaps little time to save property. What do you think I should save. If you were in my situation, what would you save?

I'd better get back to work packing.

A Couple of Days Left

2011-04-29T19:39:00.000-07:00

We still have a couple of days left on the Easter Challenge that I put forward last week. I am sure that all of us found some way--other than on the Internet--to share the Gospel with someone else. Please feel free to share that experience with us, whether it worked out the way you wished, or not.

With all the horrific events that have occurred lately, maybe you can find a way to reach out to someone who is suffering and provide them with relief. If so, perhaps you could do this as an act of sharing your faith. Gently suggest that you were motivated to help by your faith in Christ. It is a powerful thing.

I remember being stranded on the highway after a divorce and being unable to change my flat tire. I wondered what would become of me. Then a man dressed in a nice suit stopped to help me and invited me to church. I knew, from that point on, that God hadn't deserted me and He would make sure I was all right. The man didn't just change my tire. He helped strengthen my faith.

Please do that for others--and please share the experience with us.

EASTER CHALLENGE

2011-04-24T06:49:00.000-07:00

On Resurrection Sunday morning we pause to remember that first Easter, the joy--so great that followers could not contain it. They could not keep from telling the story.

I remember being in college and having a month long assignment. Instead of writing a paper, we had to keep a journal containing methods we had used to share the gospel, daily. Each day, for a month, we had make a new entry. Missing one day without being a witness meant failure. It was a pass or fail grade.

This was in the day before Facebook, blogs, and most people didn't have cell phones. In fact, email was a very new concept to me. Though I did use snail mail to complete my assignment, this was a very difficult challenge.

On this Easter Sunday, I would like to give readers a slightly similar challenge. I would like for readers to, at least once this week, to share the gospel with someone in a creative way--without using the Internet. You can use the phone or mail, though.

Then I would like you to share your experience on this forum.

This challenge will serve to encourage other and strengthen us all.

CHANGES ARE COMING!

2011-04-22T21:55:00.000-07:00

Circumstances in my life are changing. I have shared some of these changes in my little blog. Now it is time for that blog to change, once again.

I will occasionally give you some health updates, but 2 things have caused me to change the focus of this blog. One is the memory of Mrs. Ruth Wilburn, a great encourager. The other is the Make a Difference Monday, sponsored by the syndicated radio station, KLOVE.

Every Monday I found myself thinking, "What can I do today to make a difference in someone's life?" It is a good thing to ponder.

Sometimes making a difference is a thought that is so overwhelming that we dismiss the idea altogether. That is where I hope to help. I would like to encourage action and give a forum for people to share their experiences.

Let's begin sharing today.

I once organized a Sunday school class to have a monthly random acts of kindness. It really changed the lives of others, especially those who were doing the acts of kindness. It seems that doing good is medicine for the spirit.

Now it is your turn to share some of your experiences!

GREATNESS

2011-04-17T14:20:00.000-07:00

Greatness.

It is something many of us seek. We wonder how we will be remembered when we cease to walk this planet. When I was a teen I attended a small country church. The pastor at the time was a man named Harry Wilburn. Though he was a wonderful pastor and a greatly loved man, as I look back on those days, I kind of think that much of the spiritual power brought to that church came from his unassuming wife, Ruth Wilburn.

Mrs. Ruth, as she was known, was a quiet woman, an exhorter, a cheerleader of sort. She was a walking example of that scripture, "Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things and endures all things." Perhaps that was the reason I was unable to ever say, "No," to her.

It was about 15 years ago that I last saw Mrs. Ruth, but we exchanged Christmas cards every year. She always included photocopies of magazine articles or newspaper stories about her 3 sons, all of whom were preachers. She was a very proud mother.

Last year I didn't get a Christmas card and that concerned me. Only this week did I learn that Mrs. Ruth did not see last Christmas here on Earth. It was a loss for this world, but for the first time in 20 years, she was reunited with her husband at Christmastime.

It is with true sadness that I know I will not receive another Christmas card from Mrs. Ruth. I have met few in my life (men or women) who have won my respect as Mrs. Ruth did. She was a woman of greatness.

FAITH & HOPE

2011-04-09T18:48:00.000-07:00

When I was in high school, my history teacher asked me, "What is faith?" I replied that, "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things yet unseen." You see, I had memorized my Bible verses well.

The teacher challenged me further. He did enjoy challenging his Christian students. "Just what does that mean?"

I muttered something, but both he and I knew that I didn't have a clue what the scripture meant. Over the years I have remembered that conversation, because I don't think I really ever discovered the meaning of that verse until recently.

When I lost my dream job I hoped for a new job and a better day. When I went with my son on visits to see my ex-husband before he died, I hoped that someday I could laugh and be happy again. When I got a new teaching job, I hoped it would be the one that could satisfy me. When I write at the computer, I hope that it will lead to the manuscript that others will wish to read. As I try to put my life back together in this bad economy, I hope for a better day--or even a day like I used to enjoy.

About 1 1/2 years ago I was in chronic pain, so bad it regularly woke me from my sleep. I had seen doctors in the past who told me it was all about my weight. Doctors didn't realize at the time that my weight gain was a symptom along with the pain--not totally what was causing the pain. Time after time I visited doctors, hoping to someday escape the pain.

Visiting doctors was an act of faith. When a diagnosis was finally reached--I was given specific instructions for a lifestyle change, but no medication. To comply with these activities was an act of faith.

Faith is not a noun. It is a verb. Hope is seeing something--visualizing it. Faith is moving toward that vision. Faith is the actions you take to reach the goal for which you hope. When I worked out to strengthen my muscles and relieve my pain, it was in essence an act of faith. I hoped to someday be able to walk without a limp, to be able to sleep through the night again, to escape the chronic pain. Today I was able to work in the yard, to rake, to shovel, to sweep for over an hour. That was such a victory. Faith and hope took me there.

"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen."

I will someday find a satisfying career again. I will write something that others will want to read. I will someday find a way to overcome, even in this economy. I have hope. It is what keeps me filling out job applications and typing on this computer. Hope is the goal. Faith is the action.

It took about 30 years, but now I can explain it to my history teacher.

New Focus

2011-04-05T15:47:00.000-07:00

Once again, I feel the need to change the focus of my blog. In the beginning it was about me, as a writer, making observations. Then it moved to my focusing on my New Year's Resolution (both 2010 and 2011) for both physical and financial health.

I have seen great strides in my New Year's Resolution. I have lost over 20 pounds, 1 dress size, and am walking without a limp, again. My stamina has increased.

I will occasionally update you on my Wellness Goals, but I think it is time for the focus of this blog to broaden once again.

I hope you will enjoy.

Finishing Projects

2011-03-20T19:59:00.000-07:00

I have been out of the loop on the Internet for a few weeks, closed off of Facebook--account hacked. I have been focusing on a proposal for a Work in Progress and trying to keep up with a day job.

I am sticking to my work-out plan and taking a healthy cooking class, too. I am feeling healthier, stronger, and a little lighter, too.

Though I do have more Internet access and Facebook access again, I still have a lot of work to do with this manuscript, so my Facebook time will be limited.

Wish me luck!

Lost Facebook Access

2011-03-13T20:04:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in awhile, mainly because I have been trying to fix my account with Facebook. For whatever reason, I can no longer access my Facebook account and since there is no way to contact a human, I am unable to find out what is wrong or fix the account. I have tried everything, only to be continually frustrated.

It appears that I may have to open a new account, but I don't know how I can close the first one. This is s-o-o-o frustrating. If anyone has had this problem, please let me know.

CONNECTIONS

2011-02-16T18:25:00.000-08:00

This world is an isolating place and it is often difficult to make connections with other. I attend a large church and we solve the problem of isolation and loneliness with with small groups--study groups & Sunday school classes.

I brought that same idea into my work-out program. I have little time to socialize and my time at the Wellness Center did give me an opportunity to meet new people and experience new things. Of course, working out with equipment wasn't going to afford many chances at conversation.

First, I tried out the Ai Chi class. It was a good beginners activity, relaxing, and a lot of fun, too. Eventually, I pushed myself and tried the water aerobics.

Then it came time to graduate. How was I going to make myself keep working out when I was no longer interacting with others? I really wanted to be a part of a group.

I finally figured out what could work for me. I decided to do my heaviest workouts on Tuesday and Saturday. On Thursday I would do a cardio workout (a briefer workout) and attend a healthy cooking class. That would give me a group with which to connect.

I have tried this out for a couple of weeks and it seems to be satisfying--so far. I enjoy the work-outs, the class, and when I go to work on Fridays my co-workers want copies of the recipes.

Ecclesiastes says that a three cord rope is not easily broken. So true.

STILLNESS

2011-02-06T08:48:00.000-08:00

I am a person who believes in action. If there is a problem, I want to solve it. I don't want to wait till tomorrow. In some cases that is a good thing. On other occasions I just make a mess of a situation.

I have had 3 bad years in a row; deaths, the economy, a loss of a job I enjoyed, health issues and no health insurance. I am underemployed and have serious financial problems. I have prayed and prayed. I have begged God and advised Him as to how I would like for my problems to be resolved.

My Sunday school teacher, Al, advised me to meditate on this scripture: Be still and know that I am God, Psalm 46: 10. I am not really a be still kind of person, but I agreed.

I remembered this being a specifically important passage, so I decided to the whole chapter of Psalm 46. This may sound strange, but while I was in my private Bible study, the words seemed to run together, to be garbled. I focused on verse 10, but the rest didn't speak to me.

A week passed but my mind kept returning to the passage and my conversation with Al. I returned to Psalm 46. This time the scriptures opened up to me and I instantly remembered the powerful passage. It is broken into 3 thoughts, all focusing on the God who is vastly powerful, but is also a refuge for those who trust in Him. He is with us in the powerful earthquake and He is the One who brings peace. This time I found the passage very comforting.

Also brought to my mind was a popular scripture: Isaiah 40: 31 But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength: They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary. They shall walk and not faint.

When I first started my exercise program I thought of this passage--a little sarcastically--since I could barely walk the track--even once--without being left gasping for breath. As my strength grew, I claimed the scripture more as a promise.

Again, I decided to go back and read an entire passage. What a powerful passage. Verse 25 asked us who can be compared to God? He created and named the stars. In verse 27 we are reminded that that God knows about our just claims, even when we think He is ignoring them. Then there is the theme we are familiar with. God does not grow faint or weary. Though young men eventually fall from exhaustion, if we wait on the Lord we will run tirelessly.

Both scriptures have the same theme: The power and justice of God, waiting for God, and that God doesn't desert the just. I needed to be reminded of these things. In fact, this week I have made a habit of reading both passages daily. I don't know how long I will do this. I just know that, for the moment, I need to be reminded of the themes in these verses. I feel uplifted as I read about the God who is my refuge. The verses make it easier for me to be still.

RUNNING WITH MACHINE GUNS.

2011-01-30T14:32:00.000-08:00

I just caught one of my favorite movies on TV today, The Untouchable. Yea, I know. It is a movie with graphic violence and profanity. I didn't say it was a family movie and it is definitely not a movie for children. Edited versions of the movie clean up a lot of the blood, but the time period was an ugly time and people were brutally killed by Capone's men. They bled and died.

--But this blog isn't about censorship.

There is a scene in the movie where Elliott Ness must send his family away, for their own safety. All the Untouchables; Ness, Malone, Stone, and Wallace are standing in the dark street, armed with machine guns, discussing how they wish to bring down Al Capone. After discussing the plan they, almost jubilantly, run down the street, machine guns in hand, ready for battle.

There is something about that scene. In one moment Ness is terrified for his family, but then he regroups and is ready to fight the enemy. There is significance to the scene. Ness, Malone, Stone, and Wallace have a purpose.

As I watch, I envy them. I want to have significance to my life. I want to have purpose.

I want to run with a machine gun.

A TYPICAL DAY IN MEMEPHIS

2011-01-29T14:15:00.000-08:00

I decided to change up my exercise routine a bit, and get involved with strength training. I made my appointment with a trainer for 10:45 a.m. on Saturday morning. If you know me, I like to stay in my pajamas till noon on Saturday. For me to be out and about at 10:45 was a BIG deal, but I was determined to learn this new routine. After all, short sleeve season is arriving soon.

As I drive down the highway, with plenty of time to spare, I suddenly see that an 18-wheeler put on the brakes and then realized I was in for a long, long wait. Construction on Interstate 40. Need I say more? Oh, yea, thanks TDOT.

So I waited and waited and waited. The engine began to overheat, but traffic still barely moved. It was time for my training session to begin, but I was stranded.

It seemed like the story of my life.

Then I got to my training session and still more waiting. Since I was late, the trainer had to split her time between me and another member. I exercised and waited, exercised and waited. I understood. After all, I was the one who was late. In the end, I only got to learn how to use 1/2 of the equipment before the session ended.

On the way home I stopped at the post office to mail a letter. On the way, I had to sit through several traffic lights, waiting for funeral traffic. I was now weary of waiting. Yea, I know. It was a funeral procession and I was pretty low down to become impatient.

That was when I remembered this was supposed to be my week to be waiting on the Lord. Be still and know I am God.

It is such a difficult thing to be still, to wait, and to be patient.

I'll have to try harder.

GOD'S WILL

2011-01-23T13:33:00.000-08:00

When I was young I was a real Paul Simon fan, but I did have an objection to his views about God. I still don't agree with his theology, but in the past few years I have empathize with the lyrics of one of his songs, popular in the early 80's. The lines went like this:

God only knows,
And God makes His plans.
The information's unavailable to the mortal man.
We work our job,
And collect our pay.
We think we're gliding down the highway
When, in fact, we're just slip-sliding away.

I look at my life and I wonder, what is God's will for my life? Am I in God's will? If not, when did I get out of His will? I am convinced that I once was in His will. It is all so confusing to me. I often wish it could be clearer--like an email or text message. Walgreen's has a sign that flashes its weekly specials on it. Why couldn't I see a message like that.

Sure, the holier of you are saying God's message to us is the Bible and if we study it, we will know the path to follow, but for those of us who are a bit more dense, the message is still not so clear. Hey, I have trouble working a GPS, so I am easily misguided. Following chapters and verses to help me with specific matters at work or in my life is sometimes confusing.

I was discussing this in Sunday school and my teacher, Al, suggested that I meditate on this verse for awhile:

Be still and know that I am God. Psalms 46:10.

Sometimes we are so busy praying, we don't listen for an answer. I really do want to know what I am supposed to be doing. Perhaps I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. I don't really know.

I guess I will just be still for awhile.

THY WILL BE DONE

2011-01-16T13:14:00.000-08:00

It's a hard thing to say.

It is hard to know when you are really at that point when you are able to say, "Thy will be done." People who want to sound holy say it all the time, but if you really think about what it means--doing God's will no matter what it costs you--your home, your family, your life--Well then, you might pause before you say it.

Over ten years ago I had cancer and was insurance poor, as they say. I had prayed, many times for a miracle or recovery or something. Long story short, the doctor canceled a life-saving procedure within hours of the time of the operation. That phone call, canceling the surgery seemed to seal my fate. What was going to happen to me? I thought I had exhausted every avenue for recovery. I dropped to my knees, leaned on the telephone table, wept and prayed.

"Without this surgery I will surely die," I prayed. "But If this is how it must be, please let me die with grace and dignity. Please let me act in a Christian manner."

I was broken to the point I could fight no more. I sobbed, "Thy will be done."

I meant it.

I can't say how long I prayed, but I was still on my knees at the table when the phone rang again. It was my mother. Her dear friend, who was a doctor, wanted to see me at his office the next day--and he didn't mind accepting my insurance. Dr. Bland saved my life.

This happened right after I prayed, "Thy will be done."

I have gone though some rough times these past 3 years; medical, financial, deaths. Thank God, my health problems are greatly improved. However, other problems linger, problems I have prayed and prayed about.

Lately I wondered if I was really willing to pray, Thy will be done.

Do I really want God's will? That's a hard one. If it means blessings, the answer it yes! What if it means losing everything? I have thought long and hard about this one. I want to obey God, but . . .

I remember being on my knees by that telephone thinking I might die. Death wasn't what I wanted, but I would be submissive to God's will.

Perhaps I need to remember all of that as I face my situation today, accept these hardships with grace and believe that God is in control. Maybe we don't have to enjoy God's will. Jesus prayed about this so much that he sweat drops of blood. Perhaps we need only accept God's will with grace.

That, I believe I can do.

SPEAKING FOR GOD

2011-01-11T10:33:00.000-08:00

I was distressed that a certain attention seeking church (that will be referred to as W.) will protest at the funeral of Christina Green, the 9-year-old girl who was killed last Saturday while attending the public meeting held by U. S. Representative, Gabrielle Gifford, in Tucson, Arizona. This church makes a habit of protesting funerals. Why funerals? I dunno, maybe because that is where the news cameras will be.

It was a twisted mind that caused the death of this precious little girl--God's creation. It is a twisted mind that would cause suffering to those who grieve at her funeral. Enough said about that.

This cause me to think of those people who use the phrase, God said, or, God says. One should be careful when speaking for the Almighty God. He is a very big God and has the ability to speak for Himself. In fact, He has--in the Bible. If one is speaking for God, those words should line up with the scriptures, for God does not contradict Himself.

The members of the W. church have a habit of holding signs during their protest. The signs are supposed to speak for God. They say things like: God hates Catholics and God hates Fags. When I looked in my Bible's glossary, I couldn't find either the words Catholics or Fags in it.

--However, when I looked up hate in my glossary, I found this set of scriptures. A lot of Christians, even those of that W. church should commit this scripture to memory. The verse is found in Proverbs 6:16-19. NKJV. The bold print is my addition.

"These six things the Lord hates,
Yes, seven are an abomination to Him:
A proud look,
A lying tongue,
Hands that shed innocent blood,
A heart that devises wicked plans,
Feet that are swift in running to evil,
A false witness who speaks lies,
And one who sows discord among brethren."

Hmmm, I know a lot of Christians who manage to do what God hates.

--But what does God love? Try John 3:16. NKJV:

"For God so love the world that He gave His only begotten Son . . ."

--Just something to think about.

Assessing Resolution 2010

2011-01-01T15:56:00.000-08:00

I made 2 specific resolutions in 2010, to improve my situation 1) health wise and 2) financially. My Sunday School teacher, Al, shared how he mailed a letter to himself midway in the year to remember his resolution. I thought that using my blog might be more helpful to keeping me on track.

Now it is time to assess how well I did in keeping those resolutions.

The bad news first:

No matter how I tried, I am not fairing any better financially at the end of this year than at the beginning. In fact, in the past few months my part-time work has been almost non-existent. Well, according to news reports, the economy is supposed to be improving. We'll see.

Now for the good news:

After several doctor's visits and test, I received a diagnosis and a therapy program for a medical problem. A big part of that involves regular exercise at a wellness center. The result are:

I have more energy.
I am stronger and can walk better.
I have lost between 16 to18 pounds and my clothes are fitting better.
I generally feel better.
My blood pressure is better than it has been in years.

So, one of my resolutions went very well, while the other--not so much. After thinking about it--a lot--I decided to keep the same resolution for 2011.

Wish me luck.

BACK ON SCHEDULE

2010-12-28T18:43:00.000-08:00

The holiday threw me off my schedule, a bit. Well, the holiday and a bit of a personal problem, but that's a topic for another time. The important thing is--this afternoon I got back on schedule.

Part of my new, healthier regiment involves water aerobics. I go twice a week to the afternoon class at the Wellness Center, in Memphis. Let me tell you, this isn't your grandmother's aerobics class!

When I first started Willie's class (Willie is our trainer) I couldn't keep up. In fact, I wasn't really sure if I would be able to get out of bed to go to work the next day. After all, you always feel worse a day or two after you start a new work out program.

My body was so unaccustomed to exercise that I took an Ai Chi water class for a couple of months just to limber up. In time, I felt I might be able to graduate to the more strenuous aerobics class, 45 minutes to an hour of constant movement; running, jumping, reaching.

At first I couldn't keep up at all. I was constantly fighting the tightness in my ankles and calves. Sometimes I would have to work out a muscle cramp. I haven't had any of those problems in awhile.

I am stronger now and my body is a little more limber. At the end of the workouts Willie always asks us to stretch a leg behind our back and grab the ankle. I have never been able to do that stretch--until today. Today I was able to grab both my right ankle, then my left ankle.

There haven't been many people attending classes this December. Willie says that the pool will probably be packed next week. After all, everyone will make New Year's resolutions to get healthy.

I think I can successfully say that I have completed that portion of my resolution this year. I will access this in further detail in my next post.

Joy!

2010-12-06T19:00:00.001-08:00

My post yesterday caused some concern among readers. I didn't mean to worry others. I just wanted to share a feeling that many have during the holiday. I wanted to say that the way to get through it is to focus on those moments of joy until the stressful times pass.

Focus on the Joy.

Joy To The World/Broken

2010-12-05T15:41:00.000-08:00

Living life is often a stressful task. The holidays seem to accentuate our emotions, whether good or bad. This week, emotions have run very, very high. Part of it is economic. Part of it is about cultural differences among a religious community. I have prayed about this situation, cried about it, and feel no peace.

I recall that haunting Johnny Cash song, Broken. The song was one of Cash's last recordings. His voice, tired and gritty, accentuates the lyrics. He truly seems broken. --And I that is the way I felt today--broken before the Lord. He knows my situation.

As I walked into church this morning I was beaten by the world. I was looking for a moment of peace, a bit of sanctuary. The service had all ready begun. As I entered the church, I heard the melodious chords, Joy To The World. The loft was bathed in twinkling white lights and poinsettias blanketed the front stage. For a brief moment I wasn't broken; I was truly joyful.

The holidays are like that.

Nothing about my situation is different. My problems are still there. Monday I will go to work and my stomach will be tied up in knots--but for a brief moment there was joy.

Sometimes a moment is all you get.

SAME CORNY MOVIES

2010-11-27T20:47:00.000-08:00

What is it about Christmas that makes people want to see the same movies that they have seen year after year? Do they think that Kris Kringle is going to lose his competency hearing, that Scrooge will refuse to change his ways, or that Clarance won't get his wings? No, we all know how these movies will end. We have seen them since we were children. In fact, many of us own copies of our favorite DVDs, stored away with the ornaments, waiting for yearly viewing.

I think it is about our efforts to return to a time that seems so much more innocent. Christmas is about the birth of a Savior and a time for reclamation. There are few time in the year more positive, more joyful than the Christmas celebration.

That is why I think people always return to those corny movies about new beginnings, second chances, and acts of kindness.

Yes, I know what the Ghost of Christmas Present will say before he says it, but I will watch the movie again this year. When I find White Christmas I will auto-tune it onto my TV. I will quote Luke 2 along with Linus, and sing "You're A Mean One, Mr. Grinch." The movies and cartoons are life affirming. Christmas is life affirming.

Pumpkin Ginger Soup

2010-11-24T06:20:00.000-08:00

This has become a traditional part of my Thanksgiving meal. I make a big pot the day before Thanksgiving and have a bowl with a sandwich or grilled cheese--an easy, satisfying meal after a day of baking.

My family has its Thanksgiving meal in the afternoon, so a bowl of Pumpkin Ginger Soup keeps me from being grumpy while I smell that turkey cooking.

This soup isn't sweet like Pumpkin Pie. It is hearty and using a tart apple in the recipe adds a nice flavor. It also taste better after taking a moment to count a few of those blessings we take for granted the rest of the year.

Here's my recipe. I believe I found it at cooks.com:

Pumpkin Ginger Soup

2 cups--or 1 can pumpkin (not pumpkin pie)
3 cups chicken broth
3 tablespoons butter
1 cup light cream
1 medium onion, diced
1 medium apple, diced (I used a Granny Smith apple)
1 teaspoon ground ginger
1/2 teaspoon salt

Melt butter in a heavy saucepan. Saute onion and apple until tender. Stir in pumpkin, broth, and spices. Remove from heat.

Process or blend until smooth. Return to saucepan and stir in cream.

Heat through and serve.

Enjoy and Happy Thanksgiving.

THANKSGIVING 2010

2010-11-21T13:53:00.000-08:00

The Pilgrims were a serious group of individuals, believing in the virtue of hard work. They weren't big on telling jokes, having parties, or other such vain endeavors. Maybe that is why it was so remarkable that they would take three days to celebrate the end of the harvest that first Thanksgiving. The community came together to celebrate. Work was postponed (with the exception of the women cooking & cleaning up) till another day.

That is why I am a bit dismayed.

Communities no longer make the time to stop and reflect on their good fortune. True--hospitals, gas stations, and some restaurants have always stayed opened during the holiday. Yet, recently, I have noticed other businesses now remain opened most of Thanksgiving Day. Other families are forced t0 rush through a meal, unable to really reflect or fully rejoice.

We must stop and take a moment to be grateful, whether we are obliged to work, or whether we are fellowshipping with family and friends.

I wish joy to all.

Don't get me started on Black Friday.

Seeing Clearly--Part 2

2010-11-13T12:29:00.000-08:00

Last week I posted about making changes in my life and observing others for inspiration. Today I wanted to write about the other side.

Lately, I have become exposed to people who talk and think much as people did in my mother's generation. That was okay for my mother's time period. However, as times change, people must also change.

Example 1:
I know a woman who has a strong need to control every situation around her. If she is in a conversation, she will control it. If she is involved in an activity, she MUST tell everyone how this activity will be done. She is very close to a bully--though I believe this is a compulsion she may not be able to control. She feels that her way is the right way. It is the way she has always done things and the way things were done by the adults when she was young.

I once listened to this woman tell how she yelled at a waiter that hadn't given the service she wanted and that the waiter was asked by the manager to apologize to her. I had to control my laughter. I remember my college days as a waitress. I know that restaurant employees often apologize--for anything--but revenge is sweet for the last person who touches your food or drink, before it goes into your mouth.

Whereas rudeness to restaurant employees may lead to gastric distress, inflexibility with medical workers could be dangerous. This same person was uncooperative to health care workers during a serious illness. She would attend appointments on her terms and wonder why no one ever wanted to follow-up when she missed appointments. Whenever anyone would question her decisions about her choices, the response she would give was, " My body, my choice."

During the storms of life, trees are often broken, while the bending reed survives.

Example 2:
Businesses that function in the old ways can't survive well during harsh economic times.

"That's the way it's always been done," is the cry of the lamp lighter, the town crier, and the maker of oil lamps. Businesses that don't change with the times, to meet people's needs, become obsolete. There is nothing more frustrating than to work for a struggling business and have an idea to help the company, only to hear, "We've never done that before," and have your idea dismissed.

When your ideas aren't valued morale plummets. When you are asked to take on more and more tasks, but are never told, "Thank you," you begin to feel under-valued.

What's a person to do?

God let me be like the reed and bend when the storms come my way. Let me have the flexibility to change when change is necessary.

Seeing Clearly--Part 1

2010-11-07T15:13:00.000-08:00

Remember the old Credence song, I Can See Clearly Now?

I've been people watching lately. I hadn't meant to do it, but I guess I have been looking for inspiration. Something about seasonal changes cause me to pause and assess what is going on around me. I have pondered the way people accept or reject change and the consequences of those decisions. I have also thought about how others have influenced change in me. Today I would like to post about a couple of positive examples.

1) I remember when I was new at The Wellness Center and thought about walking the track. I was around people who worked out regularly, and was intimidated. Everyone on the second floor would see me and know how out of shape I was. My inner voice said that people would all know that I might only be able to walk 1/2 a mile or maybe only 1/4. How humiliating. I was so embarrassed that I practices walking my block the week before the intake so I wouldn't make such a poor showing.

Then I met a trainer for my intake evaluation and began to walk the track. Right in front of me was an elderly woman bent over a cane, walking laps. She would take a step or two, then move her cane forward. Then she would take another step or two.

I felt overwhelmed. This woman had the courage I seemed to lack. From that day on, whenever I have been asked by an instructor to do anything I didn't want to do--because of embarrassment alone, I remember that lady, slowly walking the track with her cane.

2) Teen-agers (even the very best of them) are egocentric by nature. That is not a judgment, but merely an observation.

We have a new student this year, from the country of Yemen. I heard from one of his teachers that he fasts twice a week and I was intrigued by this. Teen-agers are frequently known for a lack of discipline. When I asked the details of his fast, the boy grinned with pride and explained that he fasts twice a week because Mohammad fasted twice a week and he wanted to be like that.

There was something in the boy's eyes that impressed me. If he could be that disciplined, why couldn't I? I know that discipline isn't the only reason for a fast. It's more complicated than that, but still, it might be something that I would consider.

I have made drastic changes in the past few years. The changes have been necessary for my survival. As I have made these changes I have looked to others for inspiration.

Next week I will write about those who have insisted on doing the same thing the same way for as long as they can remember. Their situations aren't faring so well. What can we learn from them?

HEALTHY SUBSTITUTIONS

2010-10-31T11:21:00.000-07:00

I know that many people see October 31 as an evil day. I guess a lot of that would have to do with the state of one's heart.

Today I find the candy in my home is a very real temptation, but I have to get used to that because from now till New Year's day, my home will be filled with tempting food. I will be invited to social occasions where I will be repeatedly tempted by wonderful food. I must learn to prepare tempting, but healthy dishes if I am to become the healthy person I want to be.

You see, I like to travel and the last trip I took--to see my sister--was filled with difficulties. I haven't traveled, even to go on mission trip, since. --But I want to travel and I believe I will.

Anyway, I have been searching for some substitutes in my favorite Thanksgiving and Christmas recipes. Here are some links I found on the Internet. Maybe you will find this information helpful, too:

1. http://www.cfs.purdue.edu/extension/pdf/recipesubst.pd f

2.http://www.budget101.com/equivalent-substitutions/60545-10-healthy-recipe-substitutions.html

3. http://weightloss.about.com/od/holidayweight/a/bakingsubs.htm

4. http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/healthy-recipes/NU00584

Enjoy!

A SALAD DRESSING RECIPE

2010-10-27T15:52:00.000-07:00

When we begin to watch our weight, we immediately begin to add salads to our meals. The thing is, a salad can become a high calorie side dish--especially if you love those creamy salad dressings.

I've tried using light dressings, but they all seem to leave a bitter aftertaste. I've also tried using less dressing, but then the salads seem a bit plain.

Then I stumbled upon this recipe for an oil, vinegar & herb dressing. I'm not exactly sure how many calories the dressing has, but the canola oil I use is 120 calories per tablespoon--and one tablespoon will sufficiently coat and flavor a large salad.

A good thing about an oil and vinegar dressing is that it doesn't cling to the lettuce. It lightly flavors the salad and drips to the bottom of the container, without adding extra calories.

Another additional benefit of this recipe is that it is very economical. Once you purchase the ingredients, they will last far longer than a $2 to $3 bottle of regular dressing. Here's the recipe:

OIL, VINEGAR & HERB DRESSING

olive, peanut, or vegetable oil (of any variety)
wine vinegar
salt (I like kosher salt best)
parsley flakes
crushed pepper
You may also add:
cloves
crushed garlic
basil
tarragon

1. Combine 1 tea. salt, 1 tea. crushed pepper, and 3 table. wine vinegar in a jar.

2. Cover and shake hard so the salt mixes with the vinegar.

3. Add 3/4 cup of oil, 1 table. parsley, and shake the jar some more. Add any other ingredients and shake.

4. Refrigerate the rest.

I hope you enjoy this!

Change

2010-10-17T20:05:00.000-07:00

Spring and autumn are my 2 favorite times of the year. The weather is usually mild in the part of the country where I live--if you don't count all of the allergens that both seasons seem to create. In my part of the country the leaves have begun to show their vibrant colors, the last of the goldenrods are disappearing, but mums are in almost every yard. Hay is baled in the fields and bins transporting cotton are often spotted on the highway.

There is something about this season that makes me crave pumpkins. I love the smell of cooked pumpkins--pumpkin bread, pumpkin cheesecake, and pumpkin soup (really great stuff), yet I don't care that much for pumpkin pie. I found a new recipe for pumpkin cupcakes, just haven't had time to try it.

I think the thing I like best about spring and autumn is that both signify change. Change is both frightening and exciting, two sided to the same coin. The air is changing, the colors are changing, the length of the days are changing.

The excitement of all this change around me seems to inspire me, to encourage me. Perhaps I, too, can change something for the better. I could do with a change or two in my life.

Reunions

2010-10-10T15:27:00.000-07:00

Last week I attended my family reunion. We rent a lodge at a state park in an area where my mother and her family once lived. That gives people from out-of-town a place to spend the night.

At one time we had a large attendance and I loved getting caught up with cousins, uncles, and aunts. Over time, things changed. Cousins eventually had their own families to raise. That sometimes led to economic problems, but the demands of time were the biggest hurtles. Work and furthering one's education took its toll on the fragile weekends. Fewer and fewer cousins attended the reunions.

Then the older members of the family faced health concerns. Some are no longer with us.

I enjoy the peaceful setting of our reunion spot. Sometimes there's not enough hot water. Other times it is a bit too cold--or hot.

--But all of that is okay.

I have learned that all things are ephemeral. What is today may not be tomorrow. The smaller turnouts at the reunions emphasize this. Those I love may not be on this earth next year.

That alone makes escaping the world for one weekend worth while.

Today's Check Up

2010-09-24T15:11:00.000-07:00

Three months ago Dr. Morris strongly suggested I make lifestyle changes to improve my health. I wasn't too happy about it--mostly because I didn't believe it would make that much of a difference. The thing is, I was out of options. At the moment there isn't much, medically, that can be done about my condition and that was too much to deal with.

So I followed the doctor's advice. I have almost completed my Healthy Body class. I have been trying to do many of the things I learned in that class--though I confess I bought white bread instead of wheat bread today. I do backslide from time to time.

I have made an effort to work out 3 days a week, though I sometimes haven't been able to fulfill that task. When I do miss a work out, I often make up for it by walking or exercising at home.

Now what were the results of my efforts? I am 10 pounds lighter and have improved blood pressure. As soon as he came into the room, Dr. Morris said he could tell that I had followed his advice, just by looking at my chart.

Though the weight loss is modest, it feels good to know that my effort is paying off in many ways. Now I just have to keep it up.

9-11

2010-09-11T15:31:00.000-07:00

There was a generation that remembered December 7 as clearly as December 25. It was the first time that generation truly felt unsafe on its own shores. It was known later as Pearl Harbor Day and caused the USA to enter WW2.

A war or 2 passes, a cold war, and for a few years we forgot what it was like to be afraid in our own country.

Other countries knew or have known this feeling of terrorism. We were just lucky that for about 50 years there was no actual major attack of our people on our soil.

Yea, terrorists attacked Americans elsewhere, lots of times, and we can't forget the first World Trade Center attack either. --But we did ignore the warnings and the first World Trade Center attack. Denial is always a dangerous thing.

So our eyes were opened--no matter how tightly we tried to keep them shut. We now have our own December 7 and will share our memories with children and grandchildren, but they will forget. Some have all ready forgotten.

Unfortunately, the next generation will have its own disasters to face.

All we can really do is hope--and pray for wisdom and courage.

Assessing My Goals

2010-09-06T17:41:00.001-07:00

In about 4 months the year will be over and I need to assess how I am doing with my New Years resolutions. I had 2 resolutions; to improve my physical and financial health.

Few Improvements So Far:
Surprisingly, my financial health has been the hardest part. I have gone from being unemployed to working at a very small private school. The pay is quite low, and though I've tried, I have been unable to find a part-time job or to start my own business.

Still, I may have a new source for my writing. A publisher may be interested in some of my short pieces. Perhaps that will lead to something. I have to keep trying. This is supposed to be my year.

Positive Steps:
On the positive side, I have a diagnosis for my thyroid illness--after all these years. It feels good to know that all those symptoms aren't psychosomatic. It is powerful to know there is a reason for why I feel as I do.

After seeing several doctors, one put me on an exercise program that has helped with the achy, stiff joints, depression, and lack of energy. I do enjoy the water exercises.

I have already seen some results from my first month at The Wellness Center. People say my posture has improved, I stand tall again, and have less of a limp as I walk. I am in much less pain--can sleep through the night without leg cramps. My sleep is deeper and I wake up more refreshed. I have actually lost a few pounds, too.

Though I have room to grow, I am making positive steps toward my resolutions.

Labor Day--A Holiday Read

2010-08-29T11:40:00.000-07:00

It is the last holiday of the summer in the U. S., the last time to squeeze in a trip, a party, before settling down to autumn and winter. In a troubling economy many of us are opting to stay home. Whether you are staying home this Memorial Day or are laying on the beach, I would like to suggest a book for those who like to dream.

There has been a faithful following of the works of Madeleine L'engle since the 1960s. Her most popular trio was A Wrinkle in Time, A Wind at the Door, and A Swiftly Tilting Planet. Yet in 1986 she added to this trio with a 4th book, Many Waters.

I bought a copy of all 4 books to read to my son back in 1992. We had a bedtime ritual that involved reading together before sleep. We moved about 4 times during that year so I thought the reading ritual was quite important. He enjoyed the first three books which I had also read as a pre-teen. The 4th book, however, was new to me and we never got around to reading it.

--And so the book lay in my bookshelf all these years.

I buy books for my classroom faster than I can read them, but this summer I did put a dent into that reading list . Many Waters was a magnificent discovery, a book that can cause and adult to wonder what if as well as a teen.

Though it was the 4th book in a series, the time frame is between A Wind at the Door and A Swiftly Tilting Planet. If you are not familiar with these books, Many Waters is a strong stand alone book.

The twin brothers, Sandy and Dennys Murry, are the children of 2 scientists and are accustomed to their parents bringing experiments home. Unlike their brother and sister, the twins, aren't interested in these experiments and, up until this point, have avoided the adventures of their siblings. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, they miss seeing a warning sign on the lab door and are accidentally transported to a desert where small mammoths and virtual unicorns are as natural as lizards and puppy dogs in our world. Angels converse with people and stars sing at night time. --But times are changing and a massive flood is coming.

The Murry twins must find out where they are and find a way home--if there is a way home.

This book kept me trapped in its magic, long after I had turned the final page. "What if", I kept thinking, "What if Madeleine L'engle was onto something."

This was, without a doubt, the finest of the four books.

Listening to the Positive

2010-08-23T16:40:00.000-07:00

People are funny. Well, you have to look at them with your sense of humor intact or you'll simply become frustrated.

I completed my first real week at the Wellness Center. I stayed faithful to my goals. When I walked on the scale--one of those giant things they use in a vets office--I noticed that my weight fluctuated from one day to the next. By the end of the week, however, I was 3 pounds lighter than the week before. It wasn't a lot, but I hadn't really changed my eating habits all that much, so I was satisfied. After all, the exercise program is about a lot more than losing weight. I have felt miserable for so long, I just want to feel good again.

I did exercise and show some restraint so I felt good about the results.

I mentioned the 3 pound loss to someone close to me. This person's response was, "That was probably fluid loss. Take a drink of water and you will get that all back."

Isn't it funny how some people respond with only negativity? To keep those people in your life, you have to learn to take their comments with a grain of salt--or maybe sugar.

I used to be that way, but I was in a dark place back then--very unhappily married. When I became happier, my attitude improved.

Anyway, I can't let this person's negativity get me down. I should also avoid drinking 3 pounds worth of water.

Setting Goals

2010-08-14T11:30:00.000-07:00

May through August I felt like that guy on Office Space. Fan of the movie, know who I mean. A guy who hates his job goes to a psychiatrist and explains that each day at his job is worse than the day before. That means, on any given day he is living the worst day of his life.

When my doctor said I had to wait till I was worse before doing anything to get better, I battled a wave of depression. My future was to live each day feeling worse than the day before.

Then another doctor told me what I didn't want to hear. I had to do the best I could with the cards I was dealt. He gave me two specific things to do. 1) Take healthy body classes at The Wellness Center--formerly The Hope and Healing Center and 2) Start an exercise program several days a week at the center.

I assumed this would be like attending any other health spa or gym. I've been to gyms that give you a set of machines to work on and you are miserable afterward. Instead, I had trained professionals who worked out a program tailored to my needs.

Today I attended a class on setting goals. This is what I learned:

One should have short term goals that lead to a long term goal. That way you can periodically evaluate your success or failure.

Goals should also specific so they can be measured. Otherwise how can you monitor your behavior and see if you are on target?

The instructor didn't ask to see my goals but I will post them here.

Exercise:
I intend to work the water program at the Wellness Center 2 days a week & take a class, walk, and use the hand bicycle on Saturday. As an alternative I will walk at home.

Food:
I will have healthy, low calorie snacks in the evening (at least 4 evenings a week) instead of high calorie, unhealthy snacks.

I think these 2 goals can be easily measured. I hope they will be 2 steps toward the long term goal of regaining a healthier body.

I hope it will work. Wish me luck.

Hope & Wellness

2010-08-01T15:52:00.000-07:00

My 6 month physical was Friday. When you are my age, the last thing you look forward to is a physical. I feel like an old car with a mechanic who is bound to find something wrong.

Still, I made a New Years resolution and this blog is supposed to keep me honest. I wanted to do 2 things this year, improve my physical health and my financial health, too. I'm halfway through 2010 and it appears that I keep banging my head into a brick wall on both accounts.

--But I haven't given up on either goal. I found a venue for advertising the business I want to start, but the space I thought for the past 6 months that I might be able to rent, just pulled out of the deal. I am still looking and perhaps soon a new space will be found.

On the health issue: I haven't felt well for about 5 years, though now I realize that I had symptoms for much longer. Doctors gave me a clean bill of health time and again. Then there was a breakthrough. I had a diagnosis. I was sure that would mean that I would soon have a treatment or a pill and would begin to feel better.

Unfortunately, that was not going to be the case. At this point, there is no medical intervention that can be done. I was crushed, feeling that each day would be worse than the last until I was so ill that I could receive necessary treatment.

Fortunately, my doctor threw me a life saver--but not before giving out some tough love. He said that, for whatever reason, my body was flawed and my only choices were to work with the cards I had been dealt or to do nothing and continue feeling miserable and helpless. He suggested I join the center's wellness program. This would be a time consuming program involving health classes and an exercise program.

Take the cards God gives you. That was the advice I told my son about 15 years ago when he struggled to read and found he had dyslexia. I told him that I didn't know why he was made this way and had to struggle so hard to do what others found so easy.

Now my own words had come back to haunt me. These are the cards I am dealt. To fight the depression maybe I can build up some endorphins with exercise--perhaps stimulate my metabolism at the same time.

Can I do it? Can I find the time and the energy to do what I need to do? School starts next week. The first few months of school are the hardest.

Maybe posting this blog will help.

Book Travels

2010-07-25T17:36:00.000-07:00

I had a rather uneventful summer--had to work--no vacation. --Not too different from a lot of Americans. Fortunately my job has allowed me about 2 hours a day tending to napping children.

I wanted to rest. That's really what summer is about--escape and rest from the normal working world. Some escape in a movie theater. Action and adventure movies are most popular during the summer.

Others like fantasy video games and can play them for long periods of time. --And they have every right to do so.

I wanted to rest and renew in a peaceful place. While my students slept, I spent the summer visiting Mitford, NC. I escaped the hot Tennessee summer in the cool, rolling hills of a sleepy little town. I worshiped with Father Tim in The Lord's Church and was a tourist in his community. When I finished reading the Mitford series I was sad. So nice was the respite from my real world.

Then I took a brief break to a lake cottage in Wilson's Cove, OK. This was a tourist town in A Time To Heal, by Linda Goodnight. I enjoyed this book because of the setting. Adam, my son, and I have taken several trips to Natchez Trace State Park in TN. We enjoyed the lakeside cabins or the scenic lodge. We have enjoyed those brief respites and felt our spirits renew.

Ah, I hope I can take such a trip again soon. Maybe I will rent the cabin for grand kids someday!

Okay, maybe these weren't real vacations, but it was a poor girl's escape. With a little bit of luck and a prayer, the family reunion in October will be the rest I need to get me through until next summer.

In Stitches

2010-07-18T08:46:00.000-07:00

In keeping with this year's theme of health I will share my latest medical adventure.

Well, one of my medical problems has been corrected. The dermatologists removed 2 cysts from my scalp. It was an in-office procedure--not a big deal. It was kind of interesting non-the-less.

The doctor put local anesthesia in my scalp--like the dentist puts in the gums. My heart instantly started to pound and I prayed that I wasn't going to stroke out, right there. Amazingly, they took my blood pressure before I left the office and it was normal.

Next, was the incision. Of course, I felt nothing. It was the sound, however, that I found intriguing. I could hear the grating of the scalpel moving against my scalp. It reminded me of that faint sound made when cutting apart chicken before cooking it.

One of the cysts came out with ease. The other was more troublesome. --But the good news is that the dermatologist feels that the cysts are not cancerous. The cysts will be sent out for tests, but all indications, so far, is that everything is okay.

The doctor cut away only a little bit of my hair, so when the stitches are removed and I get a trim next week, there will me only a little indication that anything has been done at all. Yah!

For now, I am donning scarves. I don't want to scare my students with the stitches in my scalp or the messy medicine in my hair. The children seem to find the scarves festive.

The children are curious, though. One of the cysts was in a noticeable spot. Perhaps I will make my unveiling a sort of teachable moment to help with their own fears of visiting the doctor.

July 4, 2010

2010-07-04T13:33:00.000-07:00

What can I write that hasn't all ready been written? Entire books have been written about our forefathers, our freedom, our wars, and our history. What can I say differently?

As a little girl I was taught patriotism right along with reading, writing, and math. We sang rousing patriotic tunes about our country, Texas, and our forefathers. That's just the way things were in Texas in the early '60s.

The innocence of the '50s was fading and people understood the flaws and corruption that exists among our country's leadership. Now-a-days such a thing is accepted, but in the'60s that was a grand disappointment. Patriotism suddenly seemed naive. People began to feel that this country didn't deserve respect.

I have traveled throughout this country and abroad. Something interesting that I have discovered is this: all countries have corruption. Despite the corruption, people love their counties, their land, their homes.

Today I was a part of a very patriotic church fellowship. I enjoyed singing patriotic songs, both old and new. I loved seeing children waving American flags and wearing red, white, and blue. I watched the big screen and saw pictures of men and women in their uniforms.

I am glad patriotism has returned to our country. I hope it remains.

Retreat

2010-06-23T16:08:00.000-07:00

Americans work hard and don't take time to rest--or play. That's a fact. Finding a way to rest now is even harder, because so many of us are making less money than we have ever made before and we have tapped out a good chunk of our savings.

I didn't get to take a vacation last summer. Finding leisure has become an endeavor in creativity. Years ago, while a student in college, I was determined to give my son an enjoyable summer. I decided to explore our city and charted the discount days of every museum, park, and recreation facility in the entire town.

For next to nothing we attended the zoo, the local amusement park, the art museum, the children's museum, and several sporting events. My son and I bonded together and both had an enjoyable time.

No, it wasn't really a vacation but it was a summer I still remember joyfully. We anticipated the trips and returned home rejuvenated and ready to face the rest of the week. That's the good thing about leisure. It helps to recharge the battery and makes facing dull ordinary days a bit easier.

I will have a few more suggestions about rest and leisure later in this series.

Rest & Leisure

2010-06-13T08:24:00.000-07:00

Last night I Googled the campsite that I attended many times as a teenager. I can't say why the years I spent at Camp Linden came to my mind. I remember how getting away from my normal routine had such a profound effect on me. Even today many, many, many years later, I remember some of those camp experiences.

My former husband was a man who had great difficulty leaving behind any schedule. He didn't like changing jobs because it meant getting accustomed to a new work schedule. He was always anxious during vacations, because it meant he had no schedule at all. He always seemed relieved to get back to work. I wonder, sometimes, if his inability to rest and relax had something to do with his unhappiness and early death.

I am always amazed at how even a small rest renews me, both physically and emotionally.

I occasionally get writers block, or realize I am not as efficient as I could be in my teaching. Often I find that, instead of thumbing through a teaching magazine, or studying a text about writing, what I need is to go to a movie or experience something different. I need to take a rest. It renews me and makes me more creative.

When I take even a small trip I am even more renewed.

With our economy the way it is, it is difficult for some people to take that vacation--or even a staycation (a stay-at-home vacation), but we all need to find some way to achieve the rest we all need.

Rest

2010-06-04T16:18:00.000-07:00

As you recall, I wanted to take the theme of self-improvement for this year's blog. I thought about this over the Memorial Day Holiday. Memorial Day means a lot of things to a lot of people. Of course it began as a time when people would take the day to clean the grave sites of soldiers, remove the grass and weeds, and remember the soldiers who were laid to rest at these sites. Flowers were laid, and then picnics were enjoyed by all who participated.

Picnics are about the only part of that original tradition that still exists. Hopefully people still stop and remember those who gave their lives for freedom.

Most people think about Memorial Day as a time for school to end and summer and rest to begin. With the economy as it is most people are working harder for far less money. I know I am. I will work year round this year and make 1/4 of what I made for 10 months of work 2 years ago.

Still, I must find a way to squeeze in rest and joy. Studies have been published about the mental and even physical health that rest and happiness bring into our lives. Proverbs 17:23 says it like this:

A merry heart doeth good like a medicine; but a broken spirit drieth the bones.

Now research proves what the Psalmnist knew all along.

Diagnosis

2010-05-28T18:49:00.000-07:00

It is sometimes frustrating to work on ones own personal health issues. It can be frightening to know that something is wrong and to try to find out it could be. It is even more difficult when a doctor says that nothing is wrong and and you are sure that there is.

That is where I have been for several years. I feel like a wind up toy that is steadily winding down. After years of prodding, I finally found a doctor that believes me. I finally have a diagnosis. The illness is one that runs in my family. Hmmm, I had a family history of this and still doctors would not listen.

Now comes the hard part. Doctors have 2 philosophies in regards to this illness. Some do nothing until the patient can't manage without meds. Others are proactive and give small amounts of medication throughout the patient's life. Needless to say, I am hoping my doctor will be proactive.

I had an ultra-sound this week and will see a doctor again, soon.

Giving

2010-05-20T18:06:00.000-07:00

Tennessee is still recovering from the floods that hit us the first of May. Things are beginning to return to normal for some, but others will never be the same again. Let me give you an example:

For the past 2 weekends the weathermen have predicted violent weather. I never used to consider flooding in my neighborhood or even my city. Everyone else seems to jump at the thought of bad weather, too.

I must also say that I am very proud of my city and the way we have come together to help each other. Churches are standing in the gap with work & cleaning crews and food for those who are rebuilding and going back to their homes. I have a friend who put it this way, "We are suppose to be about this kind of work. We are far more efficient than the government."

I hadn't thought of it that way. We should all find a way to bless others.

What a difference!

2010-05-08T12:05:00.000-07:00

It has been a week and I am moving on with my life after experience a 1000 year event. Yes, this is on the official record book as a 1000 year event. The Cumberland River, the Fork Deer River, and the Loosahatchie River have not flooded at this rate in at least 1000 years.

Though many of our lives have returned to normal, let us not forget those whose lives have not, and will not return to normal for months or perhaps years.

Whai a Difference

2010-05-05T15:15:00.000-07:00

Well, I was spared.

My home was 4 and 1/2 feet above water level. Neighbors 5 houses away were not so lucky. The church & school down the road was hit twice, first by the actual flash flood, and the 2nd, and more devastating event, when the water was diverted from the city of Millington.

The worst thing that happened at my house was when the city cut off the electricity and that caused the sup pump to stop working. Water filled the crawl space for about 48 hours. It makes the whole house smell like a lake. My sister suggested sprinkling Lyme in the crawl space. It would kill the odor and prevent mold or other bacteria from growing. It sounded like a good deal to me. My brother-in-law also suggested spreading laundry detergent. I thought I would pass that along because, with all the flooding in Tennessee, I am sure there are many others in my predicament--and many many who are in far worse shape.

By the way, I was glad to hear the country music and contemporary gospel music community hasn't forgotten those who are trying to put their lives back together. They are all ready planning fund raisers.

You heard all the people in Hollywood gathering to help during many of the previous natural disasters, but I haven't heard much from the west coast in support for these people who lost their homes, jobs, and sense of security when flood waters woke them. These floods didn't happen in a single city, but throughout the state. People will get back on their feet, because they are hard working individuals--but it will take a long, long time.

People could use your prayers and support.

What Would You Take?

2010-05-02T13:48:00.000-07:00

I have just been through a very new experience. Tornadoes have ripped through the Memphis area for 2 nights. Exhausted, I slept through my alarm. I wanted to go to church to see how I could volunteer in my community. I knew there were many who had lost their homes in the flooding. The spirit was willing but the body was weak. I slept.

I was awaken by a neighbor telling me that our neighborhood would soon be evacuated. Water had been diverted from our city, to a nearby river. That river was near our subdivision. The water was rapidly rising. The water was less than one block away.

My decision, what do I take? What do I leave? What is most important?

Tonight, I don't know what bed I will sleep in. I don't know if I still have a home. I pray for God's mercy and grace.

If you had been me, what would you have taken?

Moving Slowly Forward

2010-04-09T08:14:00.000-07:00

Things are moving slowly, much more slowly than I would like. I have never felt that I had time for patients.

Today I will see if I have a tax refund. Tomorrow I will see a doctor that might be able to make sense of some symptoms that seem a bit bothersome.

I hope to soon know if this little job will get off the ground.

I have a lot going on.

I have to wait to see how it all works out.

Obstacles

2010-04-07T16:16:00.001-07:00

It never fails that when you get a plan, a vision, obstacles come about to prevent you from reaching your goal.

I made 2 resolutions this year. One was about a business, of sorts, that I wanted to start. I needed, very much, to supplement my income. The first thing that happened was that my computer--that I need to start this business--lost its ability to connect with the Internet. I also lost my part-time job that might have given me the income to have my computer fixed.

I still intend to pursue this plan.

My second resolution had to do with trying to get myself in better health. Several things have happened on a positive note. I found that I do have some health issues that had gone untreated.

For those of you who are reading this and live outside the U. S. our health care is good, but it is sometimes tricky to get the treatment you need. I was unemployed for almost a year, then underemployed. I lost the health care that I once had. Now I am playing catch-up.

1. I now have the arthritis medication that enables me to move about with far less pain.
2. I found out that mysterious breathing problems that I thought were signs that I was out of shape, actually had a medical cause and am now taking medicine that allows me to actually exercise again!
3. I found out that I don't have any kind of skin cancer.
4. I am about to see a specialists that may be able to change my life--for the better.

On a random odd little note. My general doctor is no longer on my health plan, so I have to find a new doctor.

I guess you can't have everything.

Is This Legal?

2010-03-31T20:37:00.000-07:00

That's what I'm trying to find out. It is a long story, but the short version is this. I had some financial problems and fell behind in cell phone payments. While I attempted to get back on my feet, the payment went to collections. I tried to make arrangements to take care of that bill with EOS CCA collection agency. I gave them my debit card #so I could make monthly payments. I wanted to make payment of 50.00, but they insisted on they would take two payments of 140.00. When I said, "No." they said there was nothing I could do about it because they had my debit card number.

I called my bank and was assured that I had taken the right steps to keep my account safe. You can imagine how surprised I was this morning to learn that EOS CCA had, in fact, removed the 140.00 from my account and First Tennessee Bank allowed them to do it. When I called my bank and asked why they had allowed this when I made 2 phone calls to prevent it, I was told that I had talked to a new girl and had been misinformed about the steps I needed to take to protect myself. Isn't that just like a bank. They make the mistake and the common people pay for it.

Now I am wondering, how am I going to get an extra 140.00 to pay my mortgage this week?

It sure seems like something illegal happened to me.

Disaster Again

2010-02-28T11:20:00.000-08:00

Another earthquake and our hearts go out to those in Chili. I haven't heard from Hollywood like we did a few weeks ago after the disaster in Haiti. I think that is the point I was trying to make with the last blog on this topic. Hollywood people are unpredictable. One week's cause is to adopt children from undeveloped nations and the next week it is to sing to raise money for a disaster-ridden country. The Hollywood elite will hop on a private plane to fly to Brazil to tell us that we must carpool to fight global warming, er-uhm-sorry, the new phrase is climate change--not global warming. How foolish of me to forget.

The point is that we need to make our own decisions about the causes that need our help. Then we don't have to wait for Hollywood to decide for us. Yes, I will give to a charity that will helps both the people in Haiti and Chili. I didn't need anyone from Hollywood to pick the charity for me. I did my own checking and found it to be on many lists of effective charities, too.

Enough of this rant. Be safe my dear readers. Share your love today.

Procrastination

2010-02-21T11:08:00.000-08:00

I was watching TV while getting ready for church. Professionals were talking about why some people procrastinate I didn't really have to hear why--I procrastinate about most things. It is about fear for me. I am afraid of failure, of the unknown, or of being in uncomfortable situations.

Now that I have begun the process, I am not as fearful about this job venture. The problem I am finding now is that it will be difficult to find my clients. These are people who are scattered about. All the addresses and phone numbers that I found on the Internet were old and outdated. It will take much research to find anything new.

In the meantime I am asking people who might know people and hope that word of mouth might give me enough people to start this venture. I have a couple of leads and hope that they might lead to a couple of more. So on and so on.

* * * *

God is Good!

For the past 2 weeks I have received less than what I expected salary-wise. I won't go into great detail about the matter, just that it had something to do with snow. Anyway it put me under a good deal of hardship at a time when my son was also unable to make up for the difference.

Both weeks I prayed that God would give me the grace to deal with this hardship and prayed that I would trust Him to help me make ends meet. On the 1st occasion someone walked up to me and told me not to worry about my medical insurance bill, that it had been taken care of. I was both stunned and grateful.

The second week someone from church came to my door and gave me a months worth of groceries. He just said that God had put us on his heart. Again I was stunned and grateful.

On both occasions, the amount that was given was about the same amount as I lost from my paycheck. I am in awe. God is good and I have surrounded myself with many good people.

Progress

2010-02-14T12:16:00.000-08:00

I have always heard that necessity is the mother of invention. I didn't really understand that until just recently. I need extra work and no one is hiring so it is necessity that I get this new business underway. I need to get it going by summer because it looks like summer will be very rough otherwise!

I guess that is the way God has to be sometimes. He has to push us into trying new ideas, that we might not otherwise try. This idea is very uncomfortable for me, but I guess my biggest fear is failure, or looking like a fool. If I don't ever try, I will have had a good idea. If I try and fail, I won't have even had a good idea. I will be a total failure.

Anyway, I do now have at least one location that I can afford. That is a big step forward. Up until this week the biggest stumbling block was an affordable location. It is out of the way though. That is why I might also look for an alternative location, too.

Baby steps. I am taking baby steps.

My deadline is Mid-May.

Today's The Day

2010-02-07T11:20:00.000-08:00

I have an idea for a part-time business, a way to earn extra income and help my community. It may be a risk, though. Right now money is tight.

I have been putting this off for awhile. I guess I am a bit afraid. I know there are a few steps I need to take, but I'm not sure which to take first.

I made some calls and a couple of contacts. I spent some time on the Internet to do research, but since my computer is down, that is difficult, too.

Anyway, I am tired of not doing anything. Today I am going to make up a questionairre. I won't be working on President's Day, so I think I will make a few calls then.

Hopefully I can visit some support groups this summer so people will know me. Then maybe I can drum up some customers and get things started before the fall.

FYI: It is a good thing to have special friends who pray for you. I got a call from a good friend, Susan, who said she had been praying for me. I believe her too. After talking to her, my spirits are always lifted. Surround yourself with good people. It does make a difference.

After the Snow

2010-02-03T13:50:00.000-08:00

I live in the South and we just don't know how to handle snow here.

The South and snow is a lot like San Diego and rain. I was in San Diego a couple of years ago and had to laugh when the noon news did a special alert because there was a summer shower. It wasn't even enough rain to wash the dust off the roof of the apartment.

I heard they have been getting a great deal of rain lately.

--And we have gotten some snow, too.

My dogs, Dixie Belle and Taz don't like it either. They sniff the ground and get snow on the tips of their noses and then want to go inside. They look at me, blink their eyes, and cock their heads as if saying, "Can't you make it go away? I know you can. You can do anything."

You just have to love dogs.

* * * * *

Now about my New Year's Resolutions:

1. I went to a training session for work and hoped I would make some contacts. I am not sure I made any, but one has to try.

2. I made some follow up visits to the doctor. Without going into detail, things didn't really go as I hoped and I found one problem I didn't know I had.

I am like an old car. You don't know anything is wrong with the car till you go to the mechanic. He can always find something wrong to fix.

On the plus side, now that I have a name for the problem, I can be proactive and fix things a bit.

--Oh, and I can't forget, I think I lost the 3 pounds I put on during the holidays.

Yeah, for me!

Who Decides

2010-01-24T11:59:00.000-08:00

Let me preface this post by stating that I have all ready made a donation toward the Haiti relief effort. I have several other organizations that I support on a regular basis.

Two nights ago I flipped through over thirty channels on my TV to see the telethon for the Haiti relief effort. This isn't the first time that celebrities have come together to "guide" or "enlighten" us about a specific cause.

This all got me to wondering, with all the natural disasters on our planet, who decides which ones get the media attention. Stars gathered to sing about famine in Africa and the earthquake in Haiti, but not for the Tsunami in Ecuador. Why? I mean, who decides? If there are 2 big disasters in one year, does one cancel out the other?

--And after the Red Carpet is rolled up and overhead is paid, who benefits more--those who needed the relief, or the careers of the stars? I don't know, but there is no harm in asking.

Don't get me wrong, agencies need money to do their good works. Right now I have school children collecting pennies to buy chicks for families in undeveloped countries. The kids won't get Red Carpet treatment and they won't appear on a telethon, but I know their hearts are in the right place and I pray that the money they collect will help change lives.

Faith and Hope

2010-01-17T12:19:00.000-08:00

I have decided to jump into the deep end of the swimming pool, so to speak. I sent a manuscript to a publisher. Now I play the waiting game.

I have been down this road many, many times. Why? After all, there are more failures than successes. I guess I just don't know how not to write. It is in my blood, something I must do.

I have been working on my resolution and heard a sermon that really touched me. The key scripture was Hebrews 11:1 Faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things unseen.

Hope gives us a goal, a vision for the future. Faith is acting upon that vision. I guess I had been getting it wrong all these years and what this man preached made real sense to me.

It reminded me of the story about the farming community that was suffering through a drought. All the ministers and community leaders planned a prayer meeting. Everyone in town attended and prayed great prayers asking for rain. One young child, however, brought everyone else to shame, for that young child was the only one to arrive with an umbrella in his hand.

It is our hope that gives us the vision that causes us to pray. It faith that causes us to find our umbrellas.

I guess that is why I continue to write and try to publish articles and books. I hope to make it as a writer and faith is what causes me to keep at it.

If this attempt doesn't work out, there will be another down the road.

Doing Things Differently

2010-01-10T11:35:00.000-08:00

My Sunday school teacher, Al, says that he writes his New Year's resolutions and mails them to himself after about 6 months so he can see if he has made any progress. I realize that I am going to need more than one reminder to hold myself accountable to my resolutions. That is where you, my friends, will come into my plan.

I have decided this year that I will use my blog, not only to display my writing, and connect with the world, but to hold myself accountable to my resolutions of self-improvement. I plan to do this on 2 fronts; economic & career wise, and physical health.

The economic problems that hurt so many people last year and the year before, have left me struggling. I am not as young as I used to be either. I plan to do something on a regular basis that will somehow help to improve me and make me more valuable to the job market. I also want to explore ways that I can increase my earning so I can stand solvent in a struggling economy.

I also want to increase my health. I lost some weight last year. I would like to do more in that area, but I need to explore other health mattters. I have already had some tests run--now that I have healthcare again--and am all ready seeing some relief for some constant pain I was enduring.

I want to keep this all in a spiritual perspective. I have believed for many many years that the year 2010 would be a special year for me--that God had a special blessing for me that would come to fruition at this time. Holding on to that hope has helped me through these past 2 troublesome years. --And I do plan to blog about both hope and faith in the near future.

Resolution 2010

2009-12-28T10:24:00.000-08:00

I am still working on my computer problems, but with holidays out of the way, I may be able to take care of the more mundane problems in my life now.

I have been thinking about how the economy really sent me for a loop. I have been scrambling to keep my home, find a new job, be able to regain health care, put food on the table. God has been good, but maybe he wants me to take more responsibility. I haven't moved forward fast enough. When I was younger, I was able to rebound much more quickly.

This year I have resolved to change things a bit. How? I will let you know more later.

I'm So Sorry

2009-11-29T18:02:00.000-08:00

As I posted on Facebook, I am having some technology problems getting on-line. I hope to have them solved soon, but as days have turned to weeks, I have been neglectful of my blog. For this, I apologize

As you know, I do love Christmas and love writing about Christmas. Last year I posted a series of blogs called The Magi's Journal. It was an advent series, 25 posts leading to Christmas. I hope some of you who did not follow those posts will go through my archives and share these posts this holiday season.

Hopefully I will soon have daily access to the Internet once again.

If You Have Done It For The Least Of These

2009-10-18T14:15:00.000-07:00

I found out today that the food pantry at church is empty. Mine is not a small church. The other large church in our town has a dwindling pantry, too. I should have suspected this. Many people have reached the end of their unemployment and there is no work here.

It was very humbling to have a college degree and a license in 2 states and still be unable to find work. I am employed now, but make about a quarter of what I made 3 years ago. Others may not have my resources.

I guess what I am trying to say is this, if you are a member of a congregation, inquire as to the state of your church's food pantry. See what you need to round up to donate. If you don't belong to a church, check out other local agencies that provide food for your community.

If we all do a little we can ease the suffering of other. I am about to see, right now, what I have to share.

Training

2009-10-04T14:56:00.000-07:00

This is the time of year when teachers are required to update their training. Last weekend I spent time training for my teaching job at Sylvan Learning Center. The rest of this week I was off at a TACS training conference, updating my skills for my job at Woodlawn. I attended numerous helpful, informative classes.

All this training reminded me of some other teaching conferences that I have attended.

I once attended a training conference for my short-lived job working for Shelby Co. public school system. I knew instantly how they regarded their new teachers. Their schedule was so tight that there was no time for a bathroom break and if I wanted a lunch I should have brown-bagged it because there was no time to drive to a nearby fast food restaurant.

My first impressions were correct. The sessions were more about a show of authority and less about providing information about classroom management or teaching techniques.

I taught for 8 years in West Memphis public schools. I did sit through a few good classes, but the basic in-service trainings should have been outlawed under the rules of the Genevia Convention. They were basically ways to cover themselves in an environment of political correctness.

I spent the first 3 days of every school year knowing one thing; I was being paid essentially, to stay awake. I used many methods to try to achieve this end. Once I spent several hours attempting to keep one foot, then the other, about 2 inches from the floor. If I could hold up the foot, it would be impossible to fall asleep, which would have brought down the wrath of my principal.

On another occasion I spent an afternoon doodling in a notebook, hoping that everyone would think I was eagerly jotting information. In fact, I figured that as long as my hand was moving, I couldn't fall asleep. I eventually began drawing large circles on the pad, hoping to fight slumber. What was the session about? I don't know. I just remember a social worker on the stage reading her lecture from a spiral notebook. She never made eye contact with her audience and her monotone voice was like a lullaby. I barely was awake when I exited the building, walked across the parking lot, and headed for home.

I have to say that the sessions I attended last week were much more entertaining and far more helpful for any teacher.

Well, I'm all trained up and ready for action. I wonder what the kids will throw at me this year.

A Dying Tradition

2009-09-20T12:30:00.000-07:00

Friday a tradition ended. The daytime soap, Guiding Light, completed its long TV run. It was the first of the TV soaps and, when it began, Roosevelt was the U. S. President. I never watched the show, but have seen soaps come and go over the years.

When I was a girl, my family lived for a year out in the country while my dad was in Japan. My grandmother used to watch 3 soaps; The Doctors, Another World, and Days of Our Lives. My mother, aunt, and I used to gather around the TV each day to watch. Of course, more was implied than shown in soaps back then.

A lot was different in those days. More women were at home and the soaps were entertainment as they cared for the house and their children. Women who didn't have time during the day to turn the pages of a book, could get their romance fix from TV. --And no man could be as romantic as those soap opera guys.

The Doctors bit the dust in the early '80s. Another World--my personal favorite--left the air in the late '90s. Only Days is left to remind me of the time when family gathered around the TV to see what kind of trouble Doug and Julie were into this week.

I confess. I haven't watched a soap in about 6 months. Even before that my viewing was sporadic. --Been to busy with work and life. That's what's killing soaps. Women are out in the work place or in the world. They don't stay home to raise the children or care for the home. For better or worst, times have changed.

I'll Be Good

2009-09-16T19:17:00.000-07:00

That is what my Labrador/mix and my renegade Carolina dog are whimpering to me from my back deck. --But I don't believe them. "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." What did they do that was so terrible that I won't let them spend time with me this evening? They made an escape, not once, not twice, but three time!

All I wanted was to come home and rest after a long day at school. I had to stop at the store in town, to buy ice cream for a bake sale tomorrow at school. I know, ice cream at a bake sale, but it sells and is an easy way to contribute. Anyway, the checker at the store loaded all my groceries except--you guessed it--the ice cream! Naturally, I didn't find this out till I got home.

As I was unloading the groceries, the garage back door flung opened and the dogs ran through the garage and through the front yard. My son and I called them, but they weren't coming back. As I took the groceries into the house, my son tried to chase them down. They were outrunning him and having a great time. Did I mention that it was raining?

My dogs have an odd habit. They always respond to the sound of my car's engine. The minute they hear the motor running, it is like a moth to a flame. When my son didn't quickly return with the animals, I started up the engine and began to drive down the block. They magically appeared in the middle of the road. I opened the car door, drove home, and parked in the driveway. Adam led them into the house and out to the back yard. The only problem was, both the garage doors were still opened. Within minutes, the dogs were leading 25 year old son on a merry chase through the neighborhood. Again I drove down the street till they returned for another drive home. They were happy, happy dogs, despite the scolding they received.

I called the grocery store and asked about my ice cream. Sure, I could come back and pick up another gallon. Lucky me, another drive into town. When I returned to the garage I noticed something was amiss. The garage door was cracked only about an inch high, just fifteen minutes before. Now it was up about two feet from the ground. Then I realized that the back door was ajar, once again. The dogs must have used their noses to push the heavy garage door opened enough to escape a third time! Who knew they had it in them?

I went to pick up my ice cream while my son scouted the neighborhood. It took about 45 minutes to find them this time. We decided to split up the pack. Taz rode home in the car with me while Dixie Belle walked home with Adam. Each whimpered to be reunited with the other.

They were reunited in my back yard and they have been whimpering ever since. They are going to stay outside, too, at least until I get the wet dog smell out of the back seat of my car.

A Long Day

2009-09-12T17:24:00.000-07:00

It was overcast today--not quite autumn--didn't seem like summer. It was a sad sort of day. My son and I went to his father's memorial ceremony.

The date for the ceremony was planned months ago, but that didn't make things any easier for my son. He adored his father and seeing a little leather case that held his ashes was still a difficult thing to do--though he had all ready seen the ashes months ago.

I hadn't seen those in-laws in over 10 years--some in over 20 years. It was a reminder of who I once was and who I thought I would be.

I wonder how I will be remembered.

Frank's dear friend, Joe, read the last chapter of Ecc. during the service. How appropriate. That will surely cause a person to think.

Bi-product of the Recession

2009-09-08T16:13:00.000-07:00

People have been impacted by the recession in ways they never expected. Many have come to realize that their financial shortcomings are affecting the treatment of their pets.

Pets are an expensive luxury. Dog care is especially costly. Families have made the heartbreaking decision to take their precious pets to the humane society because they can no longer afford to care for them.

The result is, animal shelters across the country are filled with wonderful, well-trained older animals that are waiting for a good home. Over the years I have owned puppies and I have rescued grown animals. I can say, without question, I prefer the older dogs. Older indoor dogs can be housebroken--a wonderful treat. They have outgrown the gnawing and tearing up phase. They are more settled down and are a lower maintenance animal.

Anyone planning to adopt a pet should consider the animal shelter. Don't be quick to dismiss a mature dog as a family pet. If you prefer a full-blooded animal, be assured that many shelters have them. I once rescued a full-blooded Boston Terrier from a shelter in Murfreesboro TN.

Check out your local shelters and see what they have to offer.

Family Reunion 2009

2009-08-31T16:52:00.000-07:00

It means going through your recipe file to find that dish that will both taste good and travel well. My family hits the highway and travels to the middle Tennessee town of Camden. We rent a lodge at the local state park, enjoy the beautiful countryside, good company, and lots of food.

We have been meeting at this lodge for about 14 years. Lots has happened over the years. We have watched the children grow up and a couple of times gathered together to mourn the passing of a loved one. Right after 9-11 we gathered at the lodge and were able to escape the horrors of terrorism for a weekend. We were so far in the hills we had no TV or cell phone reception. For a weekend we were able to sleep without nightmares.

Memorable or average, a reunion is a nice way to spend a weekend.

A Good Tired

2009-08-23T20:21:00.000-07:00

Long days, rushing through books and lesson plans, trying to be two places at the same time--I am back in a classroom again. Since I have been out of work for a year, I was worried about being rusty. Well, teaching is like riding a bike. You don't forget. We have all ready had an insect zoo and used the microscopes.

In a school district that has publicly announced that no primary students will be retained, the children at this private school have higher standards. I have to have a higher standard, too. With God's help, I think we will be okay.

Technology!

2009-08-17T18:58:00.000-07:00

It's always something!

Last week my computer crashed. Fortunately, I was able to save most of my manuscripts before the last rites were given.

At a nearby restaurant, I sat with friends Sunday after church, and discussed how to get me back into the 21st century. They discussed ram, rom, bits, and bytes. I had no clue what they were talking about. I admit, I don't know much about computers and the technology is totally over my head. What will I do? Don't really know--but somehow I will have to find a way to get plugged in.

After all, my son hates it when I use his computer. To him it's about like sharing a tooth brush.

About Julie & Julia

2009-08-09T13:36:00.000-07:00

No, it wasn't Gone With The Wind, but if you are a writer or a blogger or want to be either, you will find Julie & Julia a very interesting movie.

If you are a woman who feels that sense of panic that your life might not be headed the direction you want, you will certainly identify with the main characters in the story. I enjoyed the movie. Whether you get your girlfriends and go to the theater to see it, or wait for it to come out on DVD and make a party night of the movie, it is worth seeing.

In honor of Julia Childs, I plan to poach an egg for dinner and serve it with some asparagus. I insist upon wearing pearls and heels as I prepare the meal. Bon Appite

When Did Vet Care Stop Being About The Animals?

2009-08-07T20:39:00.000-07:00

I sat in a little room away from all the other clients at the Munford Animal Hospital and listened as a kid in a white lab coat, about the age of my own son, explained the policy of the hospital by using some unfortunate words:

"We believe in our policy of testing yearly, no matter what. We are willing to lose a sales, before we will compromise."

My expression must have shown my surprise because he continued to explain. "After all, I am aware that you could simply take your business elsewhere."

What I wanted to say was that I didn't realize that my beloved animals were simply a sales to this hospital.

You see, my animals are rescue animals. They came to me with heartworms. I faithfully give them there necessary medicine, because my sister went through the dangerous heartworm treatment only to have her dog die from the medicine.

I have just started a new job and money is so tight that it was difficult to find 50.00 to buy a 3 month supply of the medicine. When the vet said he wouldn't even sell me 3 months worth without the tests, that made no sense. It was like withholding insulin from a diabetic. The doctor knows that without the heartworm meds my dogs will die, but refused to sell them to me until I got the updated tests--even though I can't afford those tests at the moment.

I remember the old days, back in the 1070s when we could take the dogs to the vet and make payments for their treatment. Sometimes it might be only 20.00 or 30.00 a month, but we made sure the vet got paid. Just as important, dogs and cats weren't turned away because their owners fell on hard times.

Remember that charming old book by James Herriot, All Things Bright and Beautiful? How would Herriot and his vet friends have handled things today?

An Emotional Week.

2009-08-06T19:17:00.000-07:00

This has been a very emotional week! One minute I am working at a daycare center. The next I am preparing to teach in a classroom.

Tuesday was my last day at the daycare center. As stressful as that job was, as difficult as it was to stay motivated when you knew you weren't going to be paid enough to keep up with the bills, it was still hard to leave. I especially thought my job with the babies was important. I know that interacting with them was important to stimulating their little minds.

The staff lured me out of the school age classroom and the kids were proud that they kept my little party a secret. Some even cried about my leaving. I cried too.

Then the next day, there I was moving crates of supplies to my new classroom. It is all so surreal. I know I will soon be as attached to these kids as I was to the ones at the center. I will have a little more control of my world at this job.

I am hopeful.

Through the Camera Lense

2009-07-26T13:47:00.000-07:00

I haven't been very faithful to this blog lately, but those of you who follow it know why. It has been a long year and I sometimes have to will myself to face the day.

This has been a year marked by losses. I lost a job I loved right after receiving a series of excellent performance evaluations. When unemployment began to run out, I took a very low paying job and soon afterward, everyone had their hours reduced. My part-time job was cut to a couple of hours on Saturday. My savings were gone. Then came a greater loss. My ex-husband who had eventually become a sort of friend, was diagnosed with cancer and liver disease. He died within 3 months. A dear friend had his cancer return. He also died. I was so afraid to say, "God, what next?"

I was digging through a drawer and found my camera. I haven't used it in awhile and eagerly turned it on to see some of the pictures stored there.

There were pictures of the vacation my son and I took last year. We stayed at the lodge at Natchez Trace State Park. That was just before I was laid off. It was the last happy memory I have.

Next was my nieces wedding. It was a beautiful ceremony. I was still feeling hopeful and saw my job loss as a minor setback.

I have some photos of my family reunion. The reunions are usually pleasant, but this year I was embarrassed whenever family asked what I was doing with myself these days. I was unemployed and didn't know how I would make ends meet. Though they would never think ill of me, I still felt like a failure.

Then the photographs became more bittersweet. Winter came and the first snow. I took pictures of our dogs, who sadly begged to come back into the house till the snow melted. I inteviewed for a job that day. I was so hopeful, but the job was merely one in a series of rejections.

Then there were the Christmas pictures. They would be the last photographs I would ever take of my ex-husband and my son.

A new school year is about to begin and I have been offered a teaching job at a small school in the area. It is a chance to build my career again. I have grown an affection for the children at my daycare center, but I know the teaching job is best for me, not just financially.

I have learned some things from this experience and those things will show themselves in future writing that I do.

There is a lot of memory in my camera. I have believed, for many years now, that 2010 would be a special year for me. I look forward to it with great anticipation. I want to post some happier photos. I want to be more faithful to my readers, too.

The Longest Day

2009-06-22T08:44:00.000-07:00

The Summer Solstice is a special time to me. For a few short hours before sunset, it seems as if there is magic in the air.

I first noticed this phenomenon at the beginning of the decade. I used to take a pet hedgehog out for evening walks in the flower bed under a huge shade tree. Watching the little creature dig for slugs and bugs was relaxing during a stressful time.

Under our large shade tree the sun's rays peeked between the leaves and lit the yard in a way that it did only once a year. Blades of warm grass stuck to my bare feet and I reveled in the moment. Then darkness fell and the magic was all but gone.

Ever since, I have make a point to be outside during sunset on the Summer Solstice. As long as it was sunny, I was not disappointed.

Last summer I spent the Solstice at Natchez Trace State Park, in TN. It was a lovely day, probably the last really worry-free day I can remember. That was the last full day of my summer vacation. Just a few days later I learned that, due to low student enrollment, my contract to teach would not be renewed.

First, came the feeling of failure as rejection after rejection piled up. Even public schools had a hiring freeze. Next, there was the trauma of unemployment. Then, I became underemployed, underpaid, and eventually all our hours were cut! My ex-husband was diagnosed with cancer and died. A dear friend came out of remission. A little over a week ago, he died also.

I didn't get to tell that friend that I got the new job we had been praying about. Last Solstice I had no idea what the future held for me. Now I am looking forward to a new job and a new school adventure. Maybe things are changing for me. For almost 10 years now I have felt that 2010 would be an amazing year for me. That is funny, since 2009 tested my faith.

This year I sat in my lawn chair under my shade tree, watched the sunset, and thought about all that had happened. I considered what the future might hold and remembered the verse in the Gospel of John: Let not your heart be troubled. Neither let it be afraid. Soon, I was sitting in the dark and the fireflies were dancing around me. The Summer Solstice magic was gone.

Hope remained.

I love the Summer Solstice. Please share your Solstice memories.

Pampering

2009-06-18T16:24:00.000-07:00

Last Saturday I attended a manicure & pedicure party with some friends. It was kind of like the old slumber party days where we painted our nails and did each others hair. Only now we had professionals working on us and the goal was to de-stress. Relaxing music played in the background and scented candles perfumed the room.

On Sunday we all wore sandals to church to show off our freshly painted nails. I do enjoy my Sunday School class!

On Monday I received a call I have been waiting for months to get. The supervisor of a small private school confirmed that I have a position for next fall. In two months I'll have a new job!!!

The people I spent Saturday and Sunday with were of great support during the long struggle of this past year. Many good people have given me encouragement and have prayed for me. Family and even visitors to my blog have left me messages of encouragement.

Even before I received the confirmation call, I realized how fortunate I was to have a support system--family and friends--to help me through.

Thank you all!

Racism Hurts

2009-06-09T20:05:00.000-07:00

I work in the city. That makes me a minority. Functioning as a subculture is stressful.

When I was a school teacher I was surprised that a parent would be quick to believe outlandish stories that problem children would invent. Just before report card time, children often said just about anything to discredit me. I was fortunate enough to work at a school that had video cameras to prove my innocence. Still, it always bothered me that parents were so quick to believe the accusations.

I work at a daycare center right now and spend hours attending to precious infants. The ratio, by law, is 4 children per adult, so I am seldom in the room without another staff person. It usually doesn't bother me that many of the parents ignore my presence and speak only to the other staff person. I just let it slide and continue to care for the babies.

--But last week I wasn't so cool about things. I had grown attached to a very inquisitive, active baby, not yet a year old. I understood that she needed a little extra love because her active nature tried the patients of others. The only thing that slows her down is illness and she was often sick. This little girl and I bonded.

I learned that Katura was going to attend a new daycare center. I felt the change would be good for her, but would still miss that big smile that greeted me every morning.

Katura's last day arrived and she was sick. She slept through the morning but woke around 12:00. I rocked her most of the afternoon until I was transferred to work in the school-age classroom. Fortunately, I caught sight of Katura's mom.

"Please bring Katura to me so I can tell her good-bye," I asked. In fact, I asked her twice. Mom promised to bring her little girl to my room to say bye.

I waited and waited and waited. When I went to the nursery, the family was gone. I was left feeling embarrased and hurt in front of all my co-workers.

I wept that night and a few times since. Why couldn't this woman believe that I sincerely cared for her child? Would she have treated me differently if we had both been the same color? Only God knows.

Memorial Day

2009-05-24T11:43:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is Memorial Day. In the U. S. it is a day set aside to honor and remember those who died on the battlefield. Mostly, children today don't even know what the day is about, except that school is almost over.

Our President has asked people to stop at 3:00 PM for a moment of silenced to remember those who are on the battlefield in Iraq and Afghanistan. I suggest we do one better. Why don't we stop for a moment of prayer for those soldiers and all other soldiers? A moment of prayer will do much more good than a moment of meditation.

Ask a soldier which he would rather receive, kind thoughts or prayers.

Another Mother's Day Thought--2 Kinds of Mothers

2009-05-12T07:45:00.000-07:00

My current job has left me somewhat jaded. I work with beautiful little babies and children, but many of the mothers seem to view their children as an afterthought. I won't venture to guess why they have put their child's needs on the back burner when other parents don't. I daily see parents come to the center to pick up their children after leaving them in our care for almost 12 hours. Instead of greeting their child, they are talking to someone else on the cell phone. How is it that the parents don't notice the child's crushed expression?

Daily, parents bring sick children to our center. We actually have to demand the parents come to give medical attention to their children--even though many qualify for and receive free medical attention. One parent was called at 10:30 a.m. to pick up her feverish child. He also has many other medical problems. Mom wasn't working and receives free child care. She didn't pick up her son until the center closed at 6:30 p.m. Even though the child has free medical care, the mother never bothered to take the child to the hospital. She brought him back to the center every day for a week. Daily he would be fever free in the morning, but developed a high temperature couple of hours later. Children's Tylenol, anyone?

Then I went to church on Mother's Day. Naturally the mothers were recognized in various ways.

Then there was a baby dedication. About 10 couples brought their babies in front of the church to publicly acknowledge that they were responsible for the raising of their own children. They accepted that it was their job to instill morals and values in their children.

I felt a glimmer of hope burning within as I watched these parents, barely in their 20's standing before the congregation, determined to go the extra mile for their babies. I know that they don't have a clue about what the future holds. Maybe that's what makes parenthood such a tender, personal adventure.

I hope that they enjoy the adventure as much as I did--and still do.

Mother's Day Escape

2009-05-10T19:38:00.000-07:00

I spent some time at a bookstore this Mother's Day. I needed some time to escape my troubles and just relax--kick back in a fluffy armchair with a cup of java--and escape for awhile into a world that books offer.

That's the great thing about books. They are a very inexpensive way to escape.

I never know how to get rid of my books after reading them. After all, I read a lot of books. This is a store for recycled books that are in good shape. This bookstore will buy many of your old books and give you cash or store credit. Great, a responsible way to get rid of my old books! After all, they aren't doing anyone any good sitting on a bookshelf.

Everyone needs a respite and many of us are on a very tight budget. An escape to a bookstore for an hour to peruse their newest arrivals is just the beginning. Each spring I look forward to sitting on my deck in my favorite lawn chair, with a novel in hand. I have a tall glass of iced tea and my favorite tunes playing in the background. I traveled all over the world in that lawn chair last summer. Those hours were some of the best parts of the summer.

By the way I found a Michael Crichton hardback for summer reading.

Happy reading!

Death and Anger

2009-04-24T07:40:00.000-07:00

I know there are phases of grief and anger is one of them.

My son has just entered that stage. Frank didn't want a funeral but agreed that we could have a memorial ceremony for his passing when the family gathered together in the summer. He wanted to spare his family the grieving process, but it hasn't really provided my son with closure.

This week Adam received his dad's 401K. As he held the check in his hand, it became real. His dad was gone. With the check came a sudden anger that Adam couldn't explain. Things like taking the trash to the curb became the topic for an argument. All I know to do is stay clear of him for a time.

I know this will pass and soon acceptance will come. It is a long, long road.

Easter

2009-04-12T12:59:00.000-07:00

Could a story more compelling ever be written? The contrast from Good Friday to Easter Morning is the most amazing of all time. As a writer, I think about all that goes into the telling of the Easter story (complete with the Hallelujah Chorus from Handel's Messiah playing in my brain) and I want to turn my computer off and call it a night. I will never write anything more gripping, more brilliant.

Truth is more amazing than fiction.

The Silent Day

2009-04-11T12:23:00.000-07:00

A professor of a New Testament Survey always gave the same final exam essay question: List the events that occurred from Palm Sunday to Easter Sunday. It was a hard question, but each Easter I reflect on what I learned. There was a good bit written about what happened during that week, except the day after Christ died. That seems to me to be the silent day.

A death is a sad thing for those left behind, but if you shared a vision with the deceased--dreams, plans--it is harder still. I think about a parent losing a child. The parent expected to see that child graduate from school, marry, and have a family of his/her own. When the child dies, the parent knows he will never see any of that, never hold a grandchild in his/her arms. A child has died and dreams have died.

The same is true when losing a spouse. When my ex. husband died a few weeks ago, I thought about all the things we planned. We were going to grow old together, be grandparents together. We divorced and dreams died. In the back of my mind I played with the idea that, by some miracle, we might someday reconcile. When he died that silly dream is also died.

The followers of Jesus had dreams, plans, too. The mother of James and John planned that her sons would rule alongside Jesus. Isn't that just like a mother? Simon thought he was a part of a revolution. Peter had only a glimmer of insight and still denied knowing his master. All of the followers had some kind of dream. They mourned the loss of their Rabbi, but they also mourned losing a dream.

Not much is written about that time that the followers hid and mourned, just before the resurrection. Maybe it was all too painful to write about. I kind of think this is an example of an occasion when silence speaks volumes.